In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
doesn't(') have enough time to study if they have jobs. However, in my opinion, I think it is better for students to have a job while they are students. This is because having a job It brings responsibility about themselves and have a chance to become mature early marture.
To begin with, students can grow up responsibility and self-discipline through working. This is because students do not need not to rely on their parents about allowance, and they will be able to learn to spend can use the money reasonably in their wage they tend to spend their money resonable. Also, students will find that making money is hard by working and thank for their parents about the money they spent to raise and support them raising money for supporting them. Therefore, they will buy only the consume items which they really needed, unlike when they are in contrast, before working they used to spending a lot lots of money for items which are needed only to show off which is fancy or show-up. To illustrate this point, My little sister is a high-school student. She was always had a trouble with spending money because she spent lot of money for decorating grooming herself. My parents and sister had conflicts over the conflicted the problem severe time and they got were alinated. However, when parents stopped giving allowance, she reluctantly started part-time work for spending. Then she knew that making money was really hard than she her expected and dwindled her consumption and gratified at parents for raising rearing her. (내용이 여러가지라고 생각되는데, 한가지로 통일했으면 좋겠어요. 책임감에 대해 쓰시던지, 돈관리에 대해 쓰시던지 등 하나에 초점을 맞춰 부연설명과 예시를 써주시면 더 깔끔한 문단이 될 것 같습니다 ^^)
On top of that, Students can become more mature through working. They experience real-world previous to previously other friends who are is not working then they and learn how to social interact with people. Most of jobs are service-job, and as changing the world is changing quickly fastly, relationships with people are very important to everyone. In service job, it is especially important for workers not to lose their smile and control their mind. Students who work and study together can get skills which deal with various types of people and circumstance in human relationships at work place. They can learn how to treat customer well and control(l) their feeling through their working. To illustrate this idea, my best friend bob was very timid person. He was is too quite to talk that he was struggled to change his character. When Then, he was adviced that working at Mcdonal(l)ds restaurant was that helpful to change his personality.He accepted and worked there during summer vacation, and after working at the restaurant, Bob was totally changed. He was is able to talk to other people easily, and moreover he learned wit from work experience. He said that through working at restaurant he met many people and treated various circumstances such as angry customer or problem with co-workers then he acquired social-skills natually. (부연설명과 예시 괜찮은 것 같아요. 하지만 왜 굳이 학교 다니는 학생이 해야하는지에 대한 이유로는 부족한 것 같아요. 대학생이 되어서, 또는 성인이 되어서 서비스정신이나 사람 대하는 법을 배우기 보다 십대에 배워야 하는 이유가 무엇인지 한 줄 정도로 중간에 써주시면 좀 더 논리적이고 설득력 있는 이유일 것 같습니다~)
To sum up, I firmly believe that students who have job are better than other students who study only. It gives a chance for be mature and learn obligation to them.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-good (16~22)
1. 문장이 대체로 긴 편이고, 여러 아이디어가 한 문장에 있어요. 때문에 읽다보면 혼란이 올 수도 있습니다. 좀 더 간단명료하게, 끊어서 써주시는 연습이 필요할 것 같습니다.
2. 문법 오류가 많이 보여요. 좀 더 신경써서 오류 관리해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 첨삭해드린 부분 체크해주시고, 다음부터는 문법 오류를 줄일 수 있도록 노력해주시길 바래요~
3. 한 문단에는 한 가지 주요내용이 들어가고, 그 내용에서 벗어나지 않는 부연설명과 예시를 써주시길 바랍니다. 지금도 좋으나, 좀 더 정리하여 주시면 매끄러울 것 같아요.
수고 많으셨습니다 :)