When it comes to success, some people argue that people are more likely to succeed by their hard work in life. However, I definitely believe that the success of life is more related with luck that people cannot control. This is not only because there are many people who achieved the big success of life through the special opportunity in life accidently without any endeavor, but also because some people often are simply born in the rich environment and enjoy the successful life.
( intro좋습니다. 하지만 좀 더 broad 하게 시작해주세요 )
First of all, a lot of people have a successful life although they absolutely don't strive for the their success. This is due to the fact that they people sometimes meet a real stroke of luck in their life and obtain a great deal of financial revenues, especially when they pick up the lottery, invest the stocks and trade the real estate. This success is not the kind of things that require many efforts to fulfill. To illustrate this point, my friend's cousin was the man that had a tremendous chance to become the rich. This was because when he had invested a substantial amount of money in certain company, in a few weeks, he got the news that reported the firm he invested completely paid off the gigantic project at China and the price of his stocks greatly upsurged to the astronomical number of point. As a result, he is living in the most expensive area in America and enjoying his life freely to his fullest. ( 운 과 hard work을 비교하는건데.. 운 에 대해서만 너무 집중 한 것 같습니다.. 왜 운이 중요한지를 support하는것은 맞지만 좀 더 hard work과 비교 하면서 example을 적어 보세요 )
Secondly, there are many people who have the great opportunity to succeed in life because they are originally born and grown in the abundant surroundings. That is, they are better able to get the best quality of education and have much better career path in life compared to those who are born in the poor environments.
For instance, I have two friends showing this case. One friend has liven with the parents who both are the well-known celebrities and always did not have any problems as to her matters that are associated with higher education and professional career option. So, she became a famous professor with reputation and her own satisfaction.
On the other hand, the other friend were born in the poor family and were not able to attend the university she wanted and had to do the part-time jobs all the day. This friend often said to me that If she had been born in sufficient house, she would been able to go to the school and achieve her dream as a lawyer. This clearly shows that without any effort, some people have the successful life because of the innate factors in life. ( more sentence ! 정리 하는 문장이 딱 한문장이죠? 좀 더 예시를 든 문장에 대해 sum-up해 주세요 )
To summarize, people are better able to succeed in life thanks to their luck, not just hard work because they have a good chance to acquire the special gains from their life or unintentionally become born in the luxurious family.( conclusion이 너무 짧습니다. 더 애드 해주세요... hard work 과 비교 하면서, 바디 주제들을 나열함으로, 인트로 에서 언급했던것을 더 포괄적으로 다루면서 )
논제에 대한 이해도나 기본적인 idea의 방향은 적절하게 잡혀 있습니다.
하지만 좀 더 적절한 예시를 필요로 합니다
idea가 명확하게 전달될 수 있도록 구성을 다듬어주시고 문장의 전달력이 높아지도록 문법 오류도 꼼꼼하게 수정해주세요.
주장에 대한 설명을 3-4문장 정도로 구체적으로 설명할 수 있게끔 보완하면서 연습하시면 좋을 것 같아요.
conclusion 부분 다듬어 주세요. 좀 더 포괄적으로 문단을 마무리 해주세요
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (20-23)
코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다