We all work or will work in our jobs with many different kinds of people, In your opinion, what are some important characteristics of co-worker
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people want to work with a smart and keen co-worker. However, in my opinion, I think people with understanding and open-minded characteristics are for better to work with. with work. This is because working with these people makes work productivity and also it is easy to find compromise when they do group project.
To begin with, having an open-minded and understanding co-worker gives give a chance to work efficiently and perfectly since only one person cannot make accomplishment. 혼자서는 완벽하게 할 수 없기 때문에 여럿이 하는 게 효율적이라는 설명과 동료의 '성격' 사이에는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 때문에 사람은 완벽하지 않고 서로를 채워줘야 한다는 설명 역시 불필요합니다. [시야가 넓고 이해심이 많은 동료가 있어야 업무효율이 높아지는 이유]를 설명하는 문단이므로 흐름 정리가 필요합니다. Human is not perfect therefore they always have some fault. each other. However, when they work with co-worker who have open-minded, then they can complement their shortage shrotning each other and know work purpose. Because an open-minded person is better understanding their member's problem and wouldn't blame their co-worker, also they can easily realize their work purpose. then easily start. Therefore they can work complement their missing each other and propel the work efficiency. efficiently. To illustrate this point, it was my group always hard for my group to work since one of our members member always insisted insist his idea about our work. Because he didn't was not have open-minded but and he's characteristic was extreme obesity that he tought he's thought his idea was was always perfect. and other's was worst After he retired our company, we had another a new member, in contrast, she who is open-minded also she have and has deep understanding. person. Having new member, With her, we could easily make harmony and she filled our missing part. Not to mention, our group project was perfect and awarded prize from manager. open-minded한 사람 / 그렇지 않은 사람과 함께했을 때의 업무효율성을 비교하는 것 자체는 적절합니다. 전/후가 잘 드러나도록 시제표현을 확실히 해주시고, open-minded한 사람이 어떤 식으로 업무효율에 도움이 됐는지를 설명할 수 있도록 보완해주세요.
Also, if we work with selfish and obstinacy, we would hard to propel our work. Since selfish people co-worker always tend to insist their style then we can't find compromise, . Because he would angry if other member idea's accepted and his or her owns disagreed. They make other people get easily tired and reluctant to talk with him or her. 어떤 자질을 가진 사람이 중요한지 묻고 있으므로 '이런 자질은 별로다'라는 의견은 사실상 내 입장을 충분히 support하기 어렵습니다. body1에서 충분히 내가 언급한 자질을 갖지 못한 사람과 일할 경우 생길 수 있는 고충을 설명했기 때문에, body2에서도 내가 언급한 characteristic을 가진 사람을 동료로 두면 왜 좋은지를 풀어내는 형태로 가는 편이 좋습니다. For example, it is also My group project cases can be an example this time, too. I worked with my co-worker who has was a person of marked individuality. We couldn't make any productivity product due to the selfish co-worker because he always never accepted others' other's propose proposal about our project. As a leader, I decided that he had to be repelled our group because we couldn't progress the work. After 쉼표삭제 he was fired, we could make more effort to try our best for arriving our goal. Every member tried to understand other members' member situations and sacrifice our time with family or lover. Therefore, we could arrive our goal and also won the contest. This case proves that working with a understanding co-worker makes make work productivity and saves save time to find compromise. 사례 내용 역시 body1과의 차이점을 느끼기 어렵습니다. [자기 주장만 하는 동료는 별로다, 다른 사람들의 의견을 잘 받아들여서 타협이 쉬워지면 업무효율이 높아져서 생산성이 높다]라는 같은 idea를 가지고 있으므로 문단을 나누는 것이 무의미합니다. 내 입장을 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 새로운 idea로 문단을 재구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, I firmly believe that working with an understanding and open-minded person is reasonable. This makes not only boost work efficiency efficienct but also earn better result.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–18)
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내용의 논리적인 짜임새가 보완되어야 합니다. 무조건 분량을 만들려고 하기보다는 내가 주장하는 말이 정말 맞다는 점을 '설득할 수 있는' 내용이 필요합니다. '왜, 어떻게' open-minded한 동료가 좋은 동료인지를 설명할 수 있는 요소들을 여러 가지 생각해보고, 그 중 가장 논리적으로 풀어낼 수 있을 만한 idea를 골라서 문단을 구성하는 형태로 개요를 만들어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 단계적 구성에 초점을 두고 내용을 구성해주세요. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!