Nowadays, a large number of people tend to desire a job, which is stable with poor pay (but poorly paid 라고 쓰는것도 좋을 것 같아요), because of difficulty of having a job. Is this really ideal way to have a job, which (일반적으로 comma (,)를 찍고 which가 나오면 앞의 문장 전체를 받는 경우가 대부분인데, 이 문장의 문장구조를 바꿔주시면 이런 confusion이 안생길 수 있을 것 같아요) is one of the most important factors in your life? I think people should choose an high paying job despite its instability it is unstable, becuause money makes people live happier life and unstable working condition makes people to work harder.
Having a lot of money makes people happy. This is due to the fact that money is important in human life and tends to represent one's power in society by showing ability to attain whatever they people want, ranging from fancy house to even trust (faith 라는 단어가 더 어울릴 것 같아요) in relationship. This is especially true given the fact that modern sociery runs on materialism. Last week, for example, I saw the article in the newpaper, and it which was about the survey of two groups of people in happiness index. There was a huge difference between two groups of people., and People in Group A recieved higher income but their job is was easy to be laid off (lose를 쓰셔도 좋지만, lay off 라는 해고당하다 등의 의미를 쓰는게 더 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 loose 와 lose의 차이를 잘 확인해주세요) loose. Those in Group B has had a secure job, but with poor payment. The survey shows that the level of happiness index of Group A was much higher than that that of Group B. The reason was that people in Group A could afford whatever they need and want, while those in Group B had to constantly worry about paying rent in order to maintain the roof over thier head.
Working at an unstable, but highly paid a high income occupatin enables me to work more enthusiastically. This is due to the fact that risky but fruitful payment job is one of the key motivator to for me to work harder. This would also help me perform better and overcome hardship wisely. Moreover, this work condition allows me to concentrate on work better (위의 perform better이랑 같은 의미인 것 같아요. 굳이 두번 쓸 필요는 없습니다.), and be more responsible to my job. (주체를 me로 잡아서 글을 쓰셨는데, Academic essay 에서는 가능한 me 같이 informal한 의미는 안쓰는게 좋아요. One/ they/ people 이런 단어들로 바꿔주시면 더 좋을 것 같네요) For example, Samsung is well known for high payment, as well as good environment for workers to job candidates. Recently, there was a study conducted by the department of labor in Samsung and the study shows the si nificant difference in workers' performance. In the past, Samsung gave employees payment lower than the amount of payment present employees get, but guarnteed one year to work constantly. This condtional employment made workers to be idle and lazy. However, after they Samsung changed their its payment policy to paying more to their employees while not guaranteeing their jobs rule, that giving high payment and the while hard to maintain their place, the amount of profit (=productivity) was substantially increased, because employers employees worked harder and took more resposibility to sustain their job.
In conclusion, as I have illustrated above, people had better It is better for people to have a job which is insecure with a high payment in order to live happier life and feel enthusiasm on thier work.
제가 고친부분이 많아 보이겠지만, 사실 크게 문제되는 문법적, 내용적 문제는 없는 것 같아요. 하지만 단어를 쓸 때 오타로 스펠링을 틀리는 경우가 너무 많네요. 토플 에세이는 컴퓨터로 쓰게 되는 것 이기 때문에 오타를 줄이는 것도 정말 중요합니다. 그리고 문장을 좀 더 간결하고 능동적으로 쓰시면 좋을 것 같아요.