Universities and high schools should teach students about specific careers and fields instead of general subjects.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
I do not agree with the idea that universities and high schools should teach students about specific careers and fields instead of general subjects for several reasons: learning general subjects helps help students live a basic life and it also helps to have chances to do something new.
Firstly, learning general subjects helps help students live a basic life. This is due to the fact that those general subjects will teach students with basic knowledge that can be useful in the future. However, if students only learn about specific careers, students will not know about other things going around them but their careers. Furthermore, it will not be that late to find a right career after graduating from high schools and universities. Therefore, students can learn basic knowledge and some useful tips to make up a good living when they are in schools. general subjects를 배우는 것이 삶에 도움이 된다는 idea와 설명이 적절합니다. 직업교육을 할 경우와 대비해서 논지를 강조한 부분도 좋습니다. 단순히 일반상식이 있어야 살기 편하다, 하는 설명보다는 일반적인 상식을 가져야 왜 살기 편한지를 함께 언급하면서 설득력을 더 높여준다면 좋겠습니다. For example, there is a subject that teaches how to cook in high school. If students do not know anything about cooking, such as different ways of cooking and some kind of food that cannot be eaten together, students will have hard time cooking something to eat for themselves when they grow up. This means that learning general subjects instead of specific career helps students to get draft ideas about things that they will need be needed some time in the future. 사례도 적절하고 마무리도 좋습니다^^
In addition, learning general subjects provides students with chances to try many different kinds of work. This is attributed to the fact that by trying out many different subjects, students are able to know which subject they are interested in and develop their potential later in the future. Furthermore, if one fails to succeed in that field, he will be able to try other fields based on the knowledge learned in schools. This cannot be done if one only focuses focus in a specific career. general knowledge가 다양한 선택권을 열어준다는 idea와 설명이 적절합니다. 단순히 다양한 과목을 배워야 흥미분야를 알 수 있다는 내용이 아니라, 다양한 과목을 배워서 그만큼 '다양한 것을 시도해볼 수 있다'는 부분에 초점을 두고 논점이 흐려지지 않도록 다듬어주세요. There was a case of my friend who studied only the specific career that she majors in. Unfortunately, she later gave up her career after finding out that the career did not suit her. Then she had no where to go, nothing learned to do other things other than that her major. It was not easy for her to get chances to work in other fields. This implies that learning general subjects can provide with more chances to work and study in variety of fields. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
In brief, universities and high schools should teach students about general subjects instead of specific careers in order to make students live a basic life and to have more chances to work in different kinds of fields.
전반적으로 논리적 구성이나 idea들이 논제에 대한 이해도를 잘 보여주고 있습니다. 충분히 good level대 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해주세요^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)