There is an argument over whether challenges young people face today are different than those in the past. I agree that today’s challenges the young people face are different from what people had in the past for two reasons. First, today’s youngsters are in more extreme job competition than people in the past. Second, there is such thing as cyber bullying today.
Most of all, young people should compete more extremely than before (문맥적으로 포함되는 내용이어서 굳이 쓰지 않아도 될 것 같아요) to be hired by companies. An uncertain and unstable economic climate has been dominant over the world today. Obviously, almost all of over the world is affected by a financial trouble in one economy (무슨 의미인지 잘 모르겠네요. 갑자기 one economy는 잘 안맞는 것 같아요). In response to this uncertainty, companies are all striving to (strive + to부정사가 나와야 할 것 같아요) global competition. Not surprisingly, employers always look for better qualified and more experienced workers. This trends forces (force 동사에 부합하는 목적어를 쓰셔야 합니다. 누구를 force 했는지 써주세요) to job applicants who are young people to build more job experiences and obtain job certificates. (문법상 맞지 않습니다. who절에서 are 뒤로 applicants를 수식하는 말이 나와야 합니다) Colleges and universities are also expected to train their students with practical job education to be better prepared for their future careers with practical job education. Even already-employed people also lead live a hectic life preparing themselves for difficult and challenging tasks. In the past, people could get secure jobs easily if they had bachelor degrees only. So it is much easier for people to get the a job in the past than in today. This proves that challenges the young people face today are tougher than those in the past.
Second, young people are experiencing the problems about cyber bullying. In the past, people just made fun of somebody or teased him only at classes. However, today’s youngsters tease friends through the internet. They post abusive comments on the electronic bulletin board and spread bad rumors online. People can easily have access to on the internet so it can harm people more severely. This shows that today’s challenges the young people face are different from what people had in the past because of cyber bullying.
In conclusion, I agree that challenges young people face today are different than from those in the past for the reasons I have mentioned above. First, young people should compete more extremely than before to be hired by companies. Second, young people are experiencing the severe problems about cyber bullying.
비교구문을 쓸 때 비교하는 대상을 잘 맞춰주셔야 합니다. 옛날 사람들이 받던 challenge와 현대 사람들이 받는 challenge를 제대로 비교하셔야 하니까 those in the past 이런식으로 해서 비교대상을 확실히 해주셔야 합니다. 그리고 정관사 ‘the’의 쓰임을 제대로 익혀주세요. 자꾸 쓰이지 않아야 할 곳에 쓰이고 있습니다. 문법적으로, 그리고 문장의 구조적으로 집중을 하면서 proof reading을 해 보시면 좋을 것 같아요