Letting a friend make a mistake is better than taking action that risks destroying a friendship
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When we see a friend friends make a mistake, we face a harsh dilemma. Do we have to say that he is wrong? Or do we let him do what he used to? In my opinion, we have to take an action to correct our friends, even if it has a risk of destroying to destroy a friendship. By doing so, we can help them not to commit a mistake again in the future, and develop a deeper friendship in the long run.
To begin with, we can prevent a friend from making a bigger mistake by saying that he is wrong. As there is a risk that small errors can become big mistakes, it is far better to say, "You make a mistake. You must not do it again." at the first sight. 작은 실수가 더 큰 실수를 불러오게 마련이라는 점을 언급한 것이 적절합니다. 밑줄 친 내용처럼 친구에게 이런 식으로 말하는 게 좋다, 하는 예를 드는 것보다는 general explanation을 더 보완해서 일찍 초반에 실수를 막아줘야 더 큰 실수를 막을 수 있다는 점을 더 강조해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For example, I have one close friend. He is a kind, funny, and good-tempered person whom many friends admire. But he had one bad characteristics when he was young, using lots of bad words. Although I understood that those insulting words were for the purpose of expressing a close relationship between us, I was afraid that other people might misunderstand his bad words for real. I thought that if he used bad words in other situation, it was certain that he faced a terrible situation in the near future. Thus, I told him not to say bad words again. At first, he was surprised because it was a first time to hear a criticism from me. However, he realized my real intention and accepted my advice. By doing so, he could prevent himself from making a big mistake. From the example, I certainly believe that it is good to advise friends not to misbehave. 실수가 더 커지기 전에 미리 막아주는 것이 좋다는 idea와 구체적인 사례 내용이 적절합니다.
On top of that, by correcting a friend's mistake, we can help him improve further. Every person makes has a small error that he himself cannot recognize, regardless of how he is good. In this circumstance, we can take an initiative to correct an error and help him develop. 친구가 더 나은 사람이 될 수 있도록 도와준다는 idea는 충분히 가능하지만, 서론에서 소개한 내용과 다르기 때문에 글 전체의 coherence가 깨집니다. 본론의 내용을 '우정이 더 깊어진다'라는 장점을 중심내용으로 잡아서 수정하거나 서론/결론 내용을 수정해주세요. For instance, one of my friends was really good at writing English essays. However, he frequently made a small grammatical mistake, using 'a' instead of 'an' in front of vowel-starting word. Nobody dared to say to him that he was wrong, for the fear of harming his mind. But I decided to say that he made a mistake. To my surprise, he really appreciated my advice because he said he wanted to find out his drawbacks to develop his writing skills better. If I had not told him that he made a mistake, he would never have had an opportunity to improve himself. What is more, after that, our friendships became deeper and deeper by giving and receiving true advice each other. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 사례내용에서 '우정이 무너질 위험'도 적절하게 연결지은 부분이 좋습니다. / 마지막에 우정도 더 깊어졌다는 내용이 들어 있기는 하지만, 현재 문단의 main idea는 친구를 더 발전하게 도와준다는 내용이므로 서론과 결론의 내용은 다듬어야 합니다.
All things considered, I firmly believe that not letting a friend make a mistake again is crucial, not only for my friend but also for our friendship. One old saying reminds me the importance of true advice, "A friend who criticize you when you are wrong is the one whom you can trust to the most." This clearly reflects the point that we should take an action to lead our friends to go on the right path.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 본문 내용에도 코멘트했지만 글 전체의 내용 흐름이 어긋나는 부분(서론과 본론의 내용차이)이 있으니 적절하게 수정해주시면 전체적인 흐름 자체는 아주 좋습니다. 사례 내용으로 구체화해서 내용을 풀어내기보다 가급적 general explanation에 좀 더 무게를 두고 논리를 풀어가는 연습을 하시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 적절하게 연결되는 사례 내용을 제시하는 것도 물론 평가하지만, 얼마나 '논증'을 단계적으로 구성하는지에 주안점을 두고 논리력을 평가하기 때문에 고득점을 위해서는 그 편이 더 유리할 것 같아요^^ 채점항목과 코멘트 참고하셔서 글 검토해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!