I do agree with the statement that govenments should spend more money expanding access to the Internet. (첫 문장 부터 반대 의견을 낼 필요는 없겠지요. 주장을 먼저 확실히 말한후 반대의견을 주는것이 더 확실하게 보일 수 있습니다.) write a brief explanation for your thesis !
Some may argue that improving public transportation is more significant than expanding access to the Interent. However, Internet can help people have more opportunities to learn, and widen their perspectives toward the world .주제를 확장 시켜 나가야 합니다 Intro 에서는.. 이러이러한 이유에대해 ( body에서 쓸 thesis )에 대해 언급도 필요하구요. 한문장 한문장씩 늘려나가고 덧 붙여 주세요)
Firstly, expanding access to the Internet offers a lot of people to be educated.(good point)
In general,the Internet is regarded as a sea of information. However, not every S ( 주어 필요 every what? )has chance to use the Internet since we( 주어 확실히 mention해주세요) do not have enough access points for the Internet.
In this sense, if governments make more access to the Internet, more citizen can learn how to use the sea of information.
( good example )Take my cousin's case as an example. Because she lived in a small town with bucolic atmosphere, there was no school which could teach her English. After the governmet provided the Internet for the town, my cousin was able to learn English on online. Also, she could read useful articles or e-books with the Internet. If it had not been for the help of the government, my cousin would not be able to study English not at all.
Additionally, expansion of the Internet might enable people to create more globalized life. Some scholars say that the advent of the Internet has brought numerous troubles and conflicts in the society, such as violence among students or isolation of individuals. Despite of these disadvantages, the Internet provides a variety of benefits for us. As an instance, according to the recent survey of the Korea National Research Center ( very good ), modern society. They also added, with the Internet, people in the global world can interact with others as well as they can take a glismpe to diverse cultures. Specifically, via the Inernet, they can view news or entertain programs from differnt countries and widen their perspectives.
In conclusion, governments should support the expansion of the Internet rather than focusing on improving public transportations. (write more details, that you had mentioned above
1.expanding access to the Internet offers a lot of people to be educated
2.expansion of the Internet might enable people to create more globalized life. 바디에서 쓰셧던 thesis 를 정리하셔야 합니다. )By doing so, they can expect to have more learning opportunities and citizens' happy life. (that is it? too short.. 좀 더 conclusion을 다듬어 주세요 살을 붙여야 합니다)
- intro 부분과 conclusion부분을 늘려 주세요 ( 두부분 모두 :body 에서 주장할 thesis 에 대해 더 설명을 필요로 합니다. 그리고 conclusion부분에서는 sum-up해서 정리해 나가셔야 합니다. ) |
- grammar 사소한 오류들 조심해 주시구요 ( 주어 맞추시는것 )
수고 하셨습니다.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (20-23)
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