Some people argue that playing sports are not valued valuable for people's life. However, as far as I am concerned, I totally think that playing sports offer very important lessons about life to people. There are two reasons about my opinions. First, playing sports allows people to enjoy a better quality of life ( enjoy life 이렇게 간단하게 동사와 명사를 맞추어 주세요 quality를 살리고 싶으면 apporove라는 동사를 사용하는게 더 맞겟죠..). Second, playing sports from an early age contributes to success in life.( Intro 아주 핵심적인 부분만 잘 캐치하셨어요 하지만 좀더 broad 하게 시작하고 body thesis를 support해 주신다면 완성된 intro 가 될것같습니다.)
To begin with, playing sports provides much more vibrant life to people. This is attributed to the fact that it guarantees a strss-free life, while not playing sports can stress people out by pushing them to feel angry from the society. Moreover, stress is one of the main factors that weakens the immune system and causes harm to the body. According to a study conducted by Seoul University of Korea in 2000, a test on mice showed that when they were regularly subgected to electric shocks, their life span was shortened. However, another mice that have exercised woth wheel showed that their longevity was not shortened that the letter mice. Interestingly, the researchers found the link between this and human beings who suffered from chronic stress. It can be inferred that not playing sports can lead to high stress levels and this can reduce a person's lingevity. ( 적절한 예시는 좋으나 좀 더 focus해서 예시를 playing sports 에 초점을 맞추었으면 좋겠습니다.stress와 plaing sports 의 관계를 풀어 나가고 그게 어떻게 vibrant life로 이끌 수 있는지 )
In addition ( good ), playing sports from an early age can play a significant role in for successful life. In other words, when people play sports with their friends or family, they can improve their sociality. In a study conducted by Seoul University of Korea in 1990, the psychologists found that most prominent people who have successful life have higher sociality. Also, they almost play sports in their free time. The researchers found the connection between playing sports and sociality. It can be inferred that playing sports can result in high sociality which can help their successful life. Thus, I firmly believe that playing sports us very essential for people's successful life. (very good)
To sum up, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I mentiond above. Therefore, I strongly think that people should play sports for not only their successful future, but also enjoying their life through releasing the stress. All in all, this trend will continue for the next generation. ( 좀 더 conclusion에서는 sum-up해서 풀어 나가야 합니다. 살을 붙여 가셔서 bodythesis 도 정리하여 주시고 좀 더 다듬어 주세요 )
- 핵심을 집고 넘어간 intro 좋습니다 - 적절한 접속사 사용 좋습니다. - good examples ! - 전반적으로 에세이를 잘 풀어 나가셨어요 ! - intro 와 conclusion부분 좀 더 살을 붙여 나간다면 실력이 완성 될 것같습니다.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale Good (24–30)
전반적으로 명확한 idea와 적절한 논리 구성이 돋보이는 글입니다. 주장의 설득력을 더 높일 수 있는 포인트나 논지를 강화하는 마무리 부분들을 더 보완하면서 연습하시면 실전에서도 충분히 good level대 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
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