Financial loans between friends can harm or damage the friendship.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When it comes to financial matters, some people argue that people should be able to give the financial loans to the friends pleasantly. However, I definitely believe that financial loans between friends are very dangerous for both. This is not only because people are able to destroy their trust as a result of the unexpected events, but also this friendship prevents friends from considering their financial issues seriously and rationally. 우정이 이상적인 판단을 가로막는다는 내용은 입장에 대한 뒷받침이 아니라 주장을 설명하는 세부 사항(detail)에 해당합니다. 이성적인 판단을 가로막아서 "이러이러한 나쁜 결과를 초래할 수 있기 때문에" 반대한다, 라는 식의 주장이 되어야 합니다.
First of all, people should not borrow their funds from the friends easily because if debtors are not able to pay off the debt, this is a harmful idea to damage their precious trust and friendship, not just the money. 두괄식 문형에 맞도록 문단의 핵심 내용을 보여줄 수 있는 내용을 최대한 간결하게 정리해서 첫 문장에 제시해주세요. 돈을 빌려주면 안 된다는 것이 나의 입장이 아니라 '친구간의 돈거래는 우정을 해칠 수 있다'는 부분이 나의 입장이므로 [~니까 친구 간의 돈거래는 우정을 해친다]라는 결론으로 이어질 수 있는 idea가 main이 되어야 합니다. (ex. 돈거래는 친구간의 신뢰를 깨서 우정을 해친다.)This happens due to the fact that even though people strive so that they can to pay for the obligation completely, their life is almost full of unanticipated things which make it hard to maintain their reliability. To illustrate this point, for instance, one study of one hundred people recently released by a research agency suggested that 60 percent of people experienced getting the financial loans from their friends. The vast majority of this experienced these people reported that they had difficulty retaining their friendships for a long time because of the lost trust. They also said that although they endeavored to pay off the big debt, they most of them couldn't pay back that obligation on time. This was mainly because there were unexpected events such as a sudden immense accident which they cannot afford. This clearly shows that people are likely to ruin their good relationships with friends due to the inevitable and unpleasant matters after the financial loans.
Secondly, seeking financial loans has a negative impact on friendships because between friends, it is absolutely hard to make the objective and rational conditions such as when or how to pay for the debt. Thus, this will lead to the thought that it will be okay to pay for the debt slowly later on because we are a friend. body1의 '예상치 못한 사고' 등이 우정을 해치는 원인이 아니라 빚을 갚지 못하게 만드는 원인이었던 것처럼, 냉철하게 기준을 정하기가 애매하다는 점은 친구에게 돈을 빌려주면 되받기 어려운 이유(빚을 갚기 어려운 이유)에 해당할 뿐 '돈거래가 우정을 해치는 이유'로 연결하기 어려울 것 같아요. 친구들 사이에 돈을 빌리면 갚기가 어려운 이유를 설명하는 것이 아니라 '돈거래'가 우정을 해치는 이유를 설명해야 합니다. idea를 발전시켜서 논제에 맞는 답변이 되도록 재구성해주세요. For example, my older sister gave her best friend a tremendous financial help last year. However, now after a year, my sister still doesn't receive any money for the loan and moreover, it has become impossible to keep in touch with her friend. Because they didn't make the serious warrant, my sister cannot take specific actions and become strongly angry. Likewise, friends should not give and take the financial assistance due to this obscure factor when they loan.
To summarize, people have to avoid financial loans between friends because this is likely to cause the broken trust due to the unintended situations. Furthermore, this triggers the vague loan condition inevitably which is followed by negative consequences of not being paid back.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–22)
논제가 묻는 내용을 다시 검토해주세요. <친구들 간의 돈거래는 지양되어야 한다.>인지 <친구들 간의 돈거래는 우정을 해친다>인지에 따라 답변 방향이 달라질 수 있습니다. 현재 답변은 친구들 사이의 돈거래가 왜 우정에 악영향을 미치는지보다 친구한테 돈을 빌려주면 받기 어려운 이유(친구에게 돈을 빌리면 갚기 어려운 이유)를 설명하는 글에 가깝습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용에 focus를 두고 내용을 전개할 수 있도록 improve해주세요. 현재 글을 더 발전시켜서 다시 써 보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!