I agree with the above following statement.
First, listing to music gives us to stability of mind. Often many people to hear favorite artist music as their habit to favorite artist, because it is so comfortable to their mind and release stress. ( 문장이 매끄럽게 연결될수 있도록 )
Second, music can be hobby to anyone. one like play a music, another like a hearing music. if playing play a music such as guitar, piano, and drum they learn about their instruments that is as busy as person is so difficult. ??? ( 문법오류가 너무 많아 이해하기 가 힘듭니다.) But listen to music is easy to access on the internet or digital device such as mp3 player or smartphone and so on.
Third, music can be communication as a its way. music is a tool that share to mind for people. Singer who loves people that he or she move their feeling and changing their thinking as a point of view.
Forth, helping to people is music like an exercise. it means that doing an exercise can be find their increase life activity and decrease sense of tension that is get back to ability. A way is more healthful to release their stress which is listen to music.
In short, enjoyable ENJOYING music improve about unhealthful mind, having a good hobby is more useful, music is window to talk, music is also help as athletics. ( 문법 체크 해주세요, 나열할때 서로 연관있게 일목요연 하게 전개 해주세요 )
In conclusion, therefore listening to music is important to stay that is health of life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
limited ( 10-12)
- 우선 body 문장을 2~3개로 정리 해주세요
- 문법 오류가 많습니다. 정리해주세요. 연습해주세요 한문장 한문장씩 연습해주세요