Traveling in your own country has more benefits than traveling overseas.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Opinions might be divided over whether traveling in my country is better than traveling abroad. People different from different walks of life may take different stances on this issue. And I disagree with the given statement, and there are two reasons that could validate my position.
The first point is that people can learn many new things through traveling overseas. And to explain, To explain, people get to meet the new air when they arrive at the foreign airport. But it’s just beginning, which from all things are new ones that they have never seen, heard, and touched. So they can keep all those things ranging from several kinds of food to their cultures in mind. 새로운 것들을 보게 된다는 점만 설명하기보다 새로운 것들을 많이 경험하면서 견문을 넓힐 수 있어 좋다거나 refresh oneself할 수 있다거나 하는 식으로 '장점'을 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용이 '어떤 것이 더 나은가'이므로 '더 나은 점'을 명확하게 보여줄 수 있어야 설득력이 생깁니다. 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요 According to the survey conducted by MBC, one of the Korean broadcasting stations, 66 percent of the people responded that they learn so many things through foreign traveling other countries that they can’t forget at all. In the survey of more than one thousand people in the Seoul metropolitan area, the respondents said that all that they learn greatly contribute to their quality of life. And they said their lives never be the same as before.
And Another compelling reason is that people are able to make many foreign friends. To explain, when we go abroad, there are so many people with various different backgrounds. So we can meet many foreign people, make new friends, and do fun things together. Let me take my experience as an example. , after After I graduated graduate from university, I have been to Canada for 4 months. During the period, I met so many people who came from many nationalities such as Japan, UK, USA and China. We talked all day and night. Also we went to watch the famous musical and ate at nice restaurant. As a result, we still kept in touch with each other. 마찬가지로 외국인을 친구로 사귀면 어떤 점이 좋은지를 보여주어야 '해외여행이 더 좋다'라는 나의 입장을 support할 수 있습니다. 외국여행을 하면 외국인 친구를 사귄다는 진술만으로는 '어떤 점이 좋은지'를 보여주기에 부족합니다.
To sum up, traveling abroad lets let you learn many new things and have many foreign friends. In these regards, we can enjoy more benefits through traveling overseas than traveling our own country.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–22)
해외여행을 하면 새로운 것을 많이 보고 외국인 친구를 사귈 수 있다는 점이 clear하게 제시된 점은 좋습니다. 그러나 '더 좋다'는 것을 강조하기에는 설득력이 약합니다. 새로운 것을 많이 봐서 '이런 점이 좋다', 외국인 친구를 많이 사귀어서 '이런 점이 좋다'하는 것이 명확하게 드러나는 편이 좋겠지요. 현재 제시된 내용들을 더 발전시켜서 improve해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 습관적으로 And로 문장을 연결하는 부분도 많은 편이니 함께 체크해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!