Getting university education is the most important thing for successful life.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
In today's globalized society, it is widely believed that having university education is the most essential factor for successful life. Some people advocate that they cannot get a job without a college degree. university graduation. However, I disagree with this view. I firmly believe believed that university education is not only just a choice for better life. I would say that getting various experiences such as traveling and part-time job is the most valuable thing for our quality life. This is because it broadens people's perspectives and helps to build relationships with others.
First of all, traveling broadens broaden people's perspectives. To be specific, traveling another country and having foreign friends allows people to better understand other cultures, lifestyles, and perspectives. As modern society is increasingly globalized, today's world requires people with a strong understanding of global view. People can do this better by traveling. 여행을 통해 시야를 넓힐 수 있다는 점과 오늘날의 성공적인 삶에 시야를 넓히는 것이 중요하다는 점을 연결한 부분은 좋습니다. 그러나 성공을 위해 꼭 대학을 나올 필요가 없다는 주장이 main idea가 되어야 합니다. '여행이 대학졸업보다 중요하다'는 입장을 제시하는 것은 아니기 때문에 대학을 나오지 않더라도 충분히 (다양한 경험으로 성공에 필요한 넓은 시야를 갖출 수 있으니) 성공적인 인생을 살 수 있다는 흐름으로 풀어내는 것이 더 적절합니다. To illustrate, Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments during his life time. I read online that he was very successful because he was global-minded and culturally sensitive. Therefore, this proves that traveling could be a good idea as well as getting a university education. 스티브잡스가 여행을 통해 시야가 넓어져 성공한 것이 아니므로 여행의 중요성을 보여주는 사례가 될 수 없고, 대학교육이 성공에 꼭 필요한 게 아니라는 점을 보여주기에도 내용이 부족합니다. 흐름에 맞는 내용이 되도록 다듬어주세요.
Second, doing a part-time job allows people to learn about building relationships for successful life. To be specific, doing a part-time job creates opportunities meeting different kinds of people, which as a result allows people to learn how to build relationships through communicating their thoughts and connecting their feelings. Building relationships not only is a great way to develop one's the increasingly important, social and interpersonal and communication skills, which but also provides the basis for a strong network necessary in leading a successful life. 마찬가지로 '대학교육보다 아르바이트가 중요하다'라는 주장이 되지 않도록 유의해야 합니다. 대학교육이 아니더라도 충분히 성공에 필요한 자질을 갖출 수 있다는 흐름이 더 적절합니다. When I was 20 years old, I got the first part-time job. because i was in lack of allowance from my parents. While working I worked at a restaurant. I met many kinds of people. They were mostly older than me so they had a lot more experience about a part-time job. When I worked with them, I've got many much advice and indirect experience through communicating with them. people. It was a great time to know each other's life and how to live successfully.
All things are considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that it might be a huge impact on our future life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
논제에 대한 '답변'이 될 수 있도록 흐름을 다듬어주세요. 인생에서 성공하기 위해 대학을 졸업하는 것이 가장 중요하다는 것을 반박하려면 '꼭 대학을 졸업하지 않아도 성공할 수 있다'라는 주장이 되어야 자연스럽습니다. '아르바이트를 하는 것이 성공에 가장 중요하다'거나 '여행을 하는 것이 성공에 가장 중요하다'라는 주장은 논리가 약합니다. 대학에 나오지 않아도 시야를 넓힐 수 있고 social skill을 배울 수 있다는 식의 흐름으로 구성해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!