▶ Your Answer :
If you could meet a famous entertainer or athlete, who would you choose and why?
If I have a chance to meet a famous athlete, I will definitely choose Yuna Kim, who is the most famous figure skater in the world. I think she can be a role model to anybody because of her diligence and boldness. By meeting her, I want to learn those two characteristics which will help my life become more successful. (intro 가 아주 자연스러워요. 잘쓰시네요 ㅎㅎ)
To begin with, Yuna Kim is famous for her ceaseless diligence. Once, I had an opportunity to watch a documentary film which featured Yuna Kim after winning a gold medal in winter Olympic. Before watching this program, I just thought that her ability to skate well was inherent, not a result of effort. However, I realized that what allowed her to become successful was not only her intrinsic skills, but also her extreme efforts. For instance, even when she became the best skater in 2006, thereby not having any competitive rivals any more, she did not stop practicing everyday, from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. In addition, she did not hesitate to learn new skills to upgrade herself and to prepare for new matches. It made me surprised me because I had known many athletes who achieved great success and stopped practicing due to excessive satisfaction. Yuna Kim was different. She always tried to beat 'herself' to become a better skater. (이 문장과 이 다음 문장은 끊어진 느낌이 나니깐 연결을 하는데 좋을 거 같아요) I was so impressed by her diligence. Thus, if I can meet her, I will give a big applause to her for her endless hardworking and learn know-how how a person behave such a diligent ant! (이 표현은 외국에서는 사용하지 않는 표현입니다).
(인트로에 비해 첫 문단은 덜 자연스럽습니다. 먼저 너무 많은 생각이 들어있습니다. 글쓴이가 설명을 조금만 더 줄이시고 왜 만나고 싶은지에 관한 설명을 더 빨리 시작하면 좋을꺼 같아요.)
On top of that, she also has a lot of guts (이건 verbal language 라서 official writing 에서는 courage 라고 바꿔야 되요). Whether she was in a big match or in a public area which are filled with so many people, she always remains calm and shows what she prepared completely100 percent. Because I have some fear standing in front of many audiences, I really admired her boldness and audacity. To illustrate, take an example when she was just 14 years old. (이문장은 그냥 For example 으로 시작 하시는 것이 더 자연스럽게 느껴질 거 같아요) When she participated in world figure skating match for the first time, she did not show any nervousness. Rather, she enjoyed the game and got a silver-medal. What was surprising to me was even though she committed some mistakes during the performance, she was not perplexed by her errors and smiled to the audiences. I am eager to imitate her courage, as I am a little bit shy student and have a few occasions to give lecture toward many students. By taking to her, I will certainly get some tips how to behave boldly. (이 문장은 꼭 필요하다고 느껴지지 않아요)
(역시 이 문단에서 글쓴이에 관한 설명이 더 빨리 들어오니깐 더 자연스러운데, 이 문단의 후반부가 너무 길어서 글쓴이의 argument 을 더 약하게 만듭니다.)
Many media just focus on her outward beauty. It is indeed true that she is one of the most beautiful women in South Korea. However, I think Yuna Kim is more than that. She is a real beauty not only because of her elegant appearance, but also because of her internal aspects, diligence and courageous. Those two characteristics are crucial for a successful life, as people who are hardworking and bold are more likely to represent themselves better and have higher possibility to catch a chance. I respect Yuna Kim's internal features. That is the reason why I place Yuna Kim on a top position among so many entertainers and athletes. (conclusion 에는 요약을 아주 잘 하셨네요. 글쓴이가 더 직접적으로 김연아로부터 얻은 교훈을 direct 하게 설명을 하면 더 자연스럽게 느껴질 것 같습니다.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
22
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 근거에 관한 설명과 예제가 너무 길어요.
l 설명을 줄이시고 더 간결하게 쓰셔야 높은 점수를 받을 수 있습니다
l 가끔 어려운 단어를 쓰시는데 글쓴이가 잘 아는 중간 단어를 잘 활용하시면 훨씬 자연스럽고 고득점을 받을 수 있어요.
l 영어문법은 사소한 문제 빼고는 크게 주의하실 건 없으며
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 sentence structure 의 다양성를 높이시고, 문장을 더 간결하게 작성하세요.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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