Being a leader is better than being a follower.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There is an ongoing debate whether to be a leader is better than to be a follower. Some people emphasize emphasizes the importance of being followers by arguing that a community and a leader of the community would not exist without followers. However I strongly believe that leading a group is more beneficial to a person than that being led by a leader. In doing so, one can build valuable abilities as well as new talents.
First of all, a leader is able to obtain numerous and precious abilities that can be beneficial to them in the future. This is because when leading a group, a leader can have not only responsibilities but also abilities to opperate a group and reconcile different opinions opiniosns. These abilities would allow them to have an important position whatever jobs they would hold. 그룹을 이끌면서 여러 가지를 배울 수 있고 이것이 나중에 다른 일을 할 때에도 도움이 된다는 논리가 아주 적절합니다. 시간 여유가 된다면 리더가 어떻게 이러한 능력을 배울 수 있는지에 대한 문장을 더 구체화하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. According to a recent article, many companies tend to hire those who have leadership. The main reason reasone is that the CEOs of firms have seen that those who had an experience of being a leader have a strong sense of responsibility, know how to straighten out conflicts between their team members and lead their team in a right direction for the team's success. Hence, the companies choose them since they would contribute to the prosperity of themselves. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
Second, a leader is able to find his new talent by doing more his best for his groups. This is because becuase whatever the work is, from siginificant one to trivial one, even if it is not familiar with him, the leader works work harder than that anybody else to complete the work of group. This makes leaders them have a chance for knowing and developing new skills that they did not know before. 적절한 내용의 idea와 설명입니다. '일을 잘 마무리할 수 있도록 책임지는 것이 리더의 업무이므로' 하는 식의 내용을 덧붙여서 다른 사람이 하지 않는 일도 리더가 하게 되는 이유를 더 명확하게 밝혀준다면 좋을 것 같아요. For instance, during my college years, I took part in the a christian club. When I was a member, I only attended a few activities that I was interested in. In contrast, after becoming a leader, I had to do all of the activities including introducing my club in front of others. At first I did not want to do it because I was quite introverted. However, while introducing and promoting the club before other people, I found it exciting and I was good at telling in front of many people. If I had not become a leader, I would not have participated participate in this work and I would have refused refuse to speak in front of others, not knowing about my talent. 마찬가지로 이 사례가 주장과 어떤 관련을 갖는지 설명하면서 문단 마무리지어주세요. ex. This experience clearly shows that ~
In conclusion, I strongly agree that being a leader could have a number of advantages. This is due to the fact that the leader he can reap helpful capabilities for the future and he is more likely to get to know his talents by running a group. On the whole, these benefits would bring personal growth and make him a successful person who leads the society and the world.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
각 문단에서 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea가 잘 제시되어 있습니다. 이에 대한 설명의 논리 구성 단계도 좋습니다. 전반적으로 fair-good level대의 점수는 충분히 가능할 것 같아요. 스펠링 오류나 문법 오류가 종종 있으니 유의해주세요. 문장을 더 다듬어서 전달력을 높이고 다양한 관용적 표현을 더 많이 활용해서 improve해주신다면 충분히 더 좋은 점수도 가능할 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
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