▶ Your Answer :
When it comes to free times, some people argue that it is ideal for people to spend their leisure time without specific plans. However, I definitely believe that people should spend their free time intentionally and systematically with careful plans. This is not only because people have great opportunities to make the best use of their free time, but also because planned activities prevent people from experiencing unpleasant, unexpected events. (정확한의견 표현 아주 좋습니다 )
First of all, planning activities carefully 문장 배열 다시해주세요 ex)carefully plan their activities is a great idea since people are better able to take advantage of their free time fully. This is due to the fact that by scheduling what they would do, people don’t waste their time while having their free time and all they have to do is just to follow things written in the lists. To illustrate this point, when I was a university student majoring in electrical engineering, with an upcoming winter vacation, I did not take any action of planning what to do during the breaks because of my idle and lazy tendency. As a result, I spent day and night watching TV, playing computer games and just taking a nap every day and later, I realized that it was a very regretful and useless behavior (experience)I've made. Then, I decided to plan specifically what to do and during the next summer vacation, without throwing away my precious time, I had a much more meaningful time when I learned swimming and skiing with my friends. This made me feel absolutely satisfied and have a sense of fulfilment. Thus, planning deliberately is strongly helpful for making people spend their time effectively.( 적절한 supporting examples! 같은 문형인 sentence 피해 주세요)
Secondly, it is necessary to have a planned leisure time because this helps people to avoid unanticipated events. That is, planning activities hinders people from going through uncomfortable and unexpected things and this makes people become less stressful while spending their free time.( 문장을 끊어 주세요. 불분명하게 보일수 있습니다.) For instance, when our family took a trip to Japan for a week last summer, we almost did not enjoy the travel to our fullest. This was because without enough plans, we had roughly planned the trip only regarding where we would go in order to just enjoy every that very moment. As a result, since there was not any vacancy in the decent hotels, it led to a significant problem that we stayed at the very unclean and unhealthful hotel and spent the whole week in the bad environment. This clearly proves that people should plan in detail before having their free time in order to have a nice break time.( example 후 정리하는 문장들 한 문장보단 2~3 문장 으로 정리해주세요. 좀 더 professional하게 보일 수 있습니다)
To summarize, it is greatly imperative that people plan activities carefully for their leisure time since this allows them to exploit the limited time as an invaluable resource wisely as well as to enjoy their free time more sufficiently in the comfortable and stable surroundings. (역시, 부사사용이 너무 많습니다.다양한 문형 연습을 필요로 합니다)Therefore, even though it is more or less hard to schedule in much detail, people (Should) have to know that this will result in a much more happy and grateful leisure time for themselves.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (19–24)
전체적으로 논제파악, 적절한 설명 좋습니다.
그러나 좀더 다양한 문장형태를 요구 합니다. 다양한 형태의 문장 연습해주시면 더 향상 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨어요.
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