▶ Your Answer :
Some people like to be an early-adopter, a person who enjoys having experiences first than others. so.. why? tell me why. why would they buy the device first?Because of this reason, some of these people prefer purchasing new technological devices. However, I believe that considering well-adopted or not should be first than being early-adopter when we buy something because of two reasons.( Intro 가 약합니다. 첫 문장: 시선을 끌 수 있는 만한 strong한 문장 요구와, 마지막 문장 주제, 핵심내용이 정리되는 문장을 필요로 합니다)
First, people can save their money through the process of finding well-adopted products. Usually, the more aged product is the cheaper. Therefore, people who do not mind what date of the product has been out can buy what they want with less money than otherwise. For instance, many citizens in South Korea have a tendency of buying a cell-phone which is released six months ago. It is because generally these cell-phones are sold about half price than original price. I also used to buying new cell-phone in this way. Actually, I bought my new cellular phone with forty percent of discounted by waiting five months from release date. ( 예시후 예시를 sum-up해줄 수 있는 문장이 없네요. 예시도 조금더 핵심적인 내용으로만 써주시고 예시를 정리할 수 있는 문장 필요) so what?
Second, people can prevent from wasting money by well-planned purchase. Brand-new devices are expensive, and also these products do not wait their customers; these are sold very quickly. For example, we know a long waiting line for buying new ipad in front of apple store. These can bring customers spending money unexpectedly. Moreover, due to such a strong desire to make a purchase of brand-new product, some people buy devices which contain not-necessary-functions needed for them. Most of these people regret their purchase because of too many functions which is are needless ( first, second 모두다 saving money...한가지는 다른 주제로 뒷받침 해주는건 어떨까요?)
To sum up, preferring purchasing new technological devices is not a good idea because of money waste. why?There are always well-adopted products for each one. These also help people saving money and prevent being an extravagant. These are the reasons why I agree people who tend to buy well-adopted devices. (좀 더 strong한 뒷받침이 필요합니다. 정리해줄 수 있는 문단이니 만큼 정리해서 확실하게 주제와 body 1, 2 에 대한 주제를 정리해주세요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (15–23)
-조금 더 뒷받침 되는 문장들과 핵심적인 예시들을 필요로 합니다
-다양한 형태의 문장들을 필요로 합니다.여러 형태의 문장 연습 해주세요.
- 조금만 더 다듬으면 좋은 결과 얻으 실 수 있을것 같습니다.
수고 하셨어요.
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