Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People in the past ate healthier food than people today.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
With the improvement of agricultural technology and culinary arts, a food indusry has changed during the twenty -first century. In addition, the recent well-being trend has a great influence on the food indusry. Some contend that people eat healthier food today. However, I strongly believe that the food that people had in the past was much healthier than the food eaten today. This is because we now have genetic manipulation foods, which can be extremly harmful to not only human but also animals. Furthermore, the unpolluted environment of the past yielded healthier crops.
First of all, a scientific agricultural technology has brought about a number of changes in the crops we eat. "많은 변화를 가져왔다"라는 중립적인 표현보다는 '부정적인' 영향이나 '건강하지 못한 식재료' 등의 표현으로 입장을 강조할 수 있게끔 해주는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. For one thing, today many people are likely to depend on transgenic food through genetic manipulation. Two reasons for the use of this are to to hasten growth of crops and to protect the food from the damage by blight and insects. Second, in order to prevent deterioration, some food go through many procedure such as irradiation with ultraviloet ray or scattering chemicals, which may reduce the the nuttritional value and cause serious side effects on human. The long-term effects effcts of these technologies are not yet guaranteed. 모두 '유전자 변형 식재료'에 대한 내용인 것은 맞지만, 꼭 필요하지 않은 내용들까지 구체적으로 설명하면 논리력이 떨어져보일 수 있습니다. 유전자조작 식품을 만들게 된 배경이나 이유에 대한 설명보다는 유전자 조작 식품들이 건강에 해로울 수 있다는 점을 강조해야 하므로 밑줄 친 부분을 간단하게 줄이고 영양파괴나 부작용에 대한 부분을 강조해주는 것이 좋겠습니다. 실제로 유전자조작 식품들이 널리 쓰이고 있고 이것이 건강에 나쁜 영향을 미친다는 점을 보여주는 연구자료나 보도자료 등의 example을 함께 제시해서 설득력을 보완해주세요.
Moreover, in the past, the environment was not polluted. Thus, the environment in which crops and other organisms were are raised was not harmful compared to that of today. Thus, making food in the past was safer for people to ingest. 과거보다 환경이 오염된 것이 왜 우리의 밥상에까지 영향을 미치는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 보여주세요. To illustrate, a tremendous nuclear leakage of at Japan in 2011 has caused a lot of fish to eat pollutants. As a result, many fauna and floras have died did, and fish that have managed maaged to survive have become toxic and harmful as a food source. Korea and its neighbor countries even do not fish from Japan. Though there are a lot of efforts to remedy the ecosystm of Japan, there is no guarantee that people in the future will be able to eat fish as fresh as they were in the past. 방사능 유출이라는 특수한 케이스보다는 '과거보다 오늘날' 음식이 덜 건강하다는 점을 보편적으로 보여줄 수 있는 사례가 되면 좋을 것 같아요.
It is true that improved technology has broadened the availabilty of food, and people are able to enjoy a variety of foods regardless of the weather conditions that specific foods require. However, technology thechnology has also poduced genetic manipulation foods. Besides, the environment today is too polluted t to yield fresh crops. For the above reasons, I firmly agree that people in the past ate healthier food than people today.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–22)
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기본적인 idea들은 모두 적절하지만, 그에 대한 논리적인 설명이 더 보완되어야 합니다. 왜, 어떻게 그런지를 충분히 설명할 수 있도록 해주시고 그 과정에서 꼭 필요하지 않은 부분들은 적절하게 빼는 부분도 함께 연습해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!