It`s better for governments to spend money on building new housing than protecting historic or traditional landmarks.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
In today`s world, it is widely believed that it`s much beneficial for government to invest money in constructing new housing. However, I disagree with this view. I firmly believe that preserving and protecting historic landmarks is more important. This is because first, it accompanies an educational process for people. Second, it can be helpful for government to increase their yearly revenue.
First of all, it is much beneficial for government to expend money to protect historic or traditional landmarks because it accompanies an educational process for people. To be specific, people are more likely to visit famous traditional spots which are well conserved by a government, which as a result allows them to obtain a valuable historic knowledge and broaden their perspectives. This is very important for today`s world because people in today`s society are not inclined to be interested in studying or recognizing their cultures and histories, which was mainly due to a rapid development of state. 유적을 잘 보호함으로써 사람들에게 교육적인 효과를 가져온다는 idea와 설명이 적절합니다. 사람들이 역사와 문화에 관심을 갖지 못하게 된 환경을 구체적으로 설명하는 대신에 유적을 방문하면 왜 다양한 역사적 지식을 갖추고 시야를 넓힐 수 잇는지에 대한 내용을 보완해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. To illustrate, when I was younger, there were many famous historic landmarks, which had been reconstructed by a government in an attempt to provide people with a comfortable tourist environment. My parents often recommended me to visit there to broaden perspectives and my knowledge about a history. Consequently, I gained a profound understanding about the culture of my country, which was really helpful for me to feel appreciation for my country. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 이 부분에서도 단순히 유적을 방문해서 지식을 넓히고 역사도 알았다, 하는 표현보다 구체적으로 '어떻게' 내가 문화와 역사에 대한 지식을 갖출 수 있었는지를 설명해주는 것이 좋습니다.
Second, governments can benefit from historically famous landmarks because well-conserved historic spots can boost a government`s revenue. People usually want to visit a famous tourist attraction which has a clear clean environment with their families or loved ones even though they have to pay some admission fees. '깨끗한 환경'에 방문하고 싶어한다는 표현보다 정부가 잘 투자해서 방문할 가치가 있는 장소로 다듬어지면, 하는 식으로 '투자'와 관련된 내용이 구체화되는 편이 더 좋겠습니다. Consequently, more people visit the landmarks, more taxes the government can receive. Thus, these spots can be ben definitely helpful for a stable financial budget of the government. 방문객 수가 늘어서 수익금이 증가함으로써 이익이 된다는 설명이 적절합니다. . According to the study done by Korea Economic Research Center in 2013, it revealed that the most effective way for governments to increase their financial revenue was to utilize the income of a tourist attraction. They also asserted that taxes from many public tourist attractions account for a large percentage of nation`s yearly revenue. Therefore, the government should pay an attention to protecting protect their historically popular spots in terms of an economic effect. "경제적인 측면에서" 이득이 된다, 하는 식으로 키워드를 더 appeal해서 논지를 강화해줄 수 있습니다.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 설득력을 높이고 단계적 구성이 잘 돋보일 수 있도록 강조할 부분들이나 다듬을 부분들만 참고해주시면 될 것 같아요^^ 오탈자나 문법 오류를 검토할 수 있는 시간 여유 조절하시면서 다양한 주제로 연습하시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!