Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether media pay too much attention to the personal lives of celebrities these days. I am in complete agreement with the statement that public figures get too much attention by the public nowadays for two major reasons as follows.
First of all, various kinds of media are nowadays trying to make profits by mentioning personal lives of famous people. One of the biggest goals of media such as television programs, newspapers and magazines is to attract public attention which leads to make money because people tend to pay attention and buy them when media deal deals with interesting topics. In this context, these days it is not hard to find media whose main topics are about private lives of public figures which are considered as sensational and interesting topics from the public. 대중들의 관심을 끌어 이익을 내기 위해 미디어가 유명인사들의 사생활을 다룬다는 설명 자체는 매끄럽게 연결되어 있습니다. 다만 논제에서는 "too much"한가를 묻고 있으므로 이익을 위해 대중들이 관심을 갖는 이슈를 취재하는 media의 특성이 아니라 이것이 '과열되어 있다'라는 점을 보여줄 수 있는 설명이 되는 편이 좋습니다. BODY2처럼 미디어의 관심이 너무 과하다는 점을 드러내주는 idea로 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. The prime example of this is Tabloid which is a representative magazine that uses celebrities’ personal lives as their main topics. They are not reluctant to mention all the details about personal lives of many entertainers in order to get more attention from the public. They are now making huge profits more than ever thanks to the efforts to dig out personal lives of famous people, but it hurts celebrities’ mind. As seen in this case, media today violate private lives of celebrities in order to make profits.
Furthermore, public figures these days often express huge pressure and stress caused by reckless attitude of media. This is attributed to the fact that media are so enthusiastic to report all the details of their personal lives and their lives become gossip topics of the public. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 관심이 너무 과해서 사생활침해가 일어나고 그로 인해 심적 고통을 받는다는 부분을 더 구체화해서 단계적 구성이 드러나도록 보완해봐도 좋겠습니다. According to the report conducted by one of a news media in Korea, it is known that two thirds of entertainers have experienced serious depression due to the violation of their personal lives caused by media. The more shocking fact is that 30 percents among them have considered committing suicide because they were not able to endure the stress from gossips of media. These shocking results of the research clearly prove the fact that famous people today suffer from too much attention selfish attitude of media.
To sum up, I am firmly convinced that media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people and they should not focus on these kinds of topics in the future as much as they do currently for the reasons mentioned above.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
[too much하다/아니다]로 입장이 나뉘는 문제이기 때문에 too much하다는 점을 보여줄 수 있는 idea를 잘 다듬어주는 것이 중요합니다. 대중들이 많은 관심을 갖는 기사거리를 활용해서 profit을 얻기 때문에 스타들의 일거수일투족에 신경쓴다는 주장은 오히려 too much한 것이 아니라 media의 특성상 그럴 수밖에 없다는 입장으로 해석될 가능성이 있습니다. body2처럼 too much해서 생기는 부작용에 대해 생각해보시면 쉽게 풀어낼 수 있을 거예요^^ 다소 어려울 수 있는 주제이니 잘 improve하셔서 대비해두시면 실전에도 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. 대마왕님 화이팅!