It is often said that it is a nice method to spend time with other people to alleviate stress. However, in my opinion, spending time alone is more helpful for relieving it. My resons for this are is that people can spend it ??withiout someone's interrution, and that they are more likely to get stressed when spending time with someone.
- 문법이 좀 더 부드럽게 연결 될 수 있도록, 논리적 흐름은 좋으나 문법 때문에 어색해 보입니다. 좀 더 intro에서 넓고 포괄적이게 주제를 제시하고 자신의 의견을 줄 수 있어야 합니다.
First of all, there is no interruion when people spend their free time alone. To be specific, they are able to choose the leisure activities that they wanted to do. According to the Minstry of Recreation of Korea, the amount of leisure time spent alone had dramatically increased by 35 percent over the past decade. This shows that a lot of people prefer spending their free time alone because of freedom. ( first body 논리적이나 논리적 흐름에 앞서 intro와 마찬가지로 글을 전개 시키는 연습을 필요로 합니다 )
Second, spending free time with other people could give rise to more stress. This is because people get to face different views when getting along with other people. According to the study conducted by Seoul National University, there was a dfference in the level of stress between two groups: Group A was made up of those who spent their free time alone, and Group B consisted of those who spent their free time with their friends. After a week, the raised level of stress such as irritation or anger was observed in Group B in comparison to Group A. This shows that spending free time with other people impacts people in negative ways.이렇게 정리 해주는 부분 ,example이나오고 정리해주는 부분을 좀 더 잘 풀어서 써주세요. 정리하는 문장 !( 첫번째 body보단 전달력이 좋습니다. 이런식으로 차근차근 논리를 풀어가는 연습 ! 을 필요로 합니다. )
To sum up, not only does spending free time alone make people do activities they want, but also this reduce the level of stress efficiently. For thses reasons, I agree with the statement people should spend their free time alone.
( 역시 conclusion이 너무 짧고 툭 끊어져 보입니다. 다시한번 주제를 말하시고 sum-up해주세요. ( 아이디어를 정리 하는 부분, 논리를 정리하는 부분이라고 할 수있습니다. 핵심 ! 을 꼭 넣어 주는 부분 )
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited - Fair (16–20)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Limited - Fair (16–22)
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