Some people think that one`s twenties is not as significant period as other period in a one`s life. However, I believe that twenties is so important that people should pay attention to do everything when they are in their twenties. In this essay, I will present two reasons to support my idea.
Intro가 간단명료하고 to-the-point로 잘 쓰여진 것 같아요.
To begin with, almost everything about rest of one’s life is decided in his/her twenties. Specifically, people should think of what they are going to make a living in their lives very deeply. (문장이 clear 하지 않은 것 같아요. 좀 더 정확하게 의미 전달이 될 수 있도록 문장 구조를 조금 바꿔주시는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요) Once decisions have been made (결정은 만들어지는 거라서 수동형태로 쓰셔야 합니다) in during that period, it would affect the entire rest of their life and it is hard to recover and get date back to the time when people can make a choice again. For example, my science teacher in high school was very talented and all people who know him thought that he is not suitable for teaching job, considering his brilliant brain. However, when he was a university student, he chose a teacher as his job because teachers have a promising future although his goal is was to become prestigious scientist. As a result, he now always regrets choosing teaching jobs not proper his characteristics although but it is too late to try to find out his dream. In this regard, a person`s twenties is the time to choose what they want to do in the future and one they (앞에서 they를 사용했으니 계속 they를 써 주시는 게 좋아요. Consistency가 중요합니다.) should consider carefully in order not to regret his choice.
On top of that, people can afford to overcome much failure that may be harmful to other people not twenties (문장의 의미전달이 안됩니다. 무슨말을 하려는 건지 clear하게 표현되지 않아요. 문장구성도 바꿔주시고 단어선택도 조금 바꿔주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요). To specify this, twenties is only period in one`s life that gives a lot of lessons to oneself. Not only young people in twenties did receive warm encouragement to conquer failure, but also they can be motivated to endeavor same obstacles or much harsher impediment until they succeed. According to a series of biography about great people, it is absolutely evident that they had gone through so many extremely painful difficulties when they are in their twenties and those kinds of impediments provide them for with power to go up (단어를 바꿔주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 의미표현이 명확하지 않아요.) and do a great achievement in their field. And in almost every biography, the writers want to let people know that young people in their twenties need to suffer from much pain and the process they try make to find solutions make people be told from other normal people. (무슨 의미인지 잘 모르겠습니다.) In this regard, people in 20s are required not to be afraid of failure and they need to keep going until they achieve their goals.
To sum up, 20s in people`s lives is very critical and valuable period because their future are influenced at the most and sometimes determined by what they do during that period and they are strong enough to face any obstruction that can cause destroyable effects on people`s lives except 20s (무슨 의미로 except 20s 라고 쓰신건지 모르겠어요. 문장의 흐름이 어색한 것 같아요. 의미가 무엇인지 정확히 파악하기도 어렵고요.)