Being a leader is better than being a follower. Use specific reason and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been a controversy over which is better between being a leader and being a follower. In my opinion, I firmly believer that being a leader is more valuable experience than being a follower because it can help people make money and improve a sense of responsibility.
To begin with, as a leader, people can live a happy life even if it is not related with happiness. This is attributed to the fact that being a leader, they are able to have more income than a follower. The main reason for this is that the salary of workers is proportional to their work intensity. Most leaders have to work hard than inferiors and they end up receiving a considerable wage. Besides, money guarantees a happy life while having less money can stress people out by making them worry about how to make ends meet. 논제가 묻는 내용에 대해서 충분한 답변이 되기에는 적용할 수 있는 범위가 너무 좁은 것 같아요. 단순히 '직장'에서의 leader만을 의미하는 것이 아니라 어떤 상황에서든지 learder와 follower의 입장은 생길 수 있으니까요. 예를 들어 group study의 learder나 class의 leader를 생각한다면 '돈을 더 많이 벌어서 좋다'라는 논리는 적용할 수 없겠지요. 논제가 묻는 내용을 다시 체크하셔서 명확히 파악한 뒤에 좀 더 general한 idea를 제시해서 설득력을 높일 수 있도록 한다면 좋겠습니다. According to the Ministry of Labor of Korea in 2008, there was a huge difference between two groups of employees in happiness index. Employees in group A earned more money by 20 percent than those in group B. The researchers found that the level of happiness of group A was much higher than that of group B. Moreover, those in group B had to constantly worry about paying a rent, buying grocery a glocery, and so forth in addition to having underwent severe depression. This implies that being a leader can contribute to living a happy life because it allows them to earn enough money.
On top of that, being a leader, it can enables people to develop a sense of responsibility. This is due to the fact that working as a leader, they must deal with numerous problems, such as reprimanding negligent workers, meeting deadlines, arriving at work on time, observing work regulations, and completing a contract as soon as possible. Having experienced such situation, leader cannot help but to improve their sense of responsibility. 이 경우에도 마찬가지로 '직장에서만' 통용되는 개념으로 제시되어 있기 때문에 논제가 원하는 포괄적인 의미의 being a leader에 대한 답변이 되기에 아쉬운 감이 있습니다. 리더가 되면 책임감을 기를 수 있다는 idea자체는 적절하므로 더 포괄적인 개념으로서 리더의 책임감에 대해서 논할 수 있도록 내용을 수정해주세요. 직장에서 리더가 되면 책임감이 길러진다는 내용은 사례로 활용한다면 괜찮을 것 같아요. For example, my old brother used to be lazy and selfish. He has changed little by little after he started to work as a leader in a company. He realized that his laziness could negatively affect other members because most subordinates imitate their superiors. Naturally, he became more punctual and encouraged others who seemed to be goofing around. This examples shows that being a leader can make people have more sense of responsibility. 적절한 내용의 사례로 잘 응용한 부분입니다.
In brief, being a follwer seems to be better than being a boss. However, I am certain that as a boss, people are able to have more advantages in life, such as having a enough salary and enhancing their sense of responsibility.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
전반적으로 구성이나 답안 작성 요령에 대해서는 충분히 익히고 계신 것 같은데, 논제에 대한 답변이 되기에 너무 범위가 좁다는 느낌을 주는 idea들이 아쉽습니다. fair level 정도의 점수대가 예상됩니다. 직장의 상사 개념에만 치우칠 것이 아니라 포괄적 의미의 'leader'에 적용될 수 있도록 idea를 다듬어서 글을 다시 써 보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)