*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There is an argument over whether it is easier to maintain good health today than it was in the past. Some people believe that keeping healthy today is difficult as a natural environment is polluted by modern technologies such as construction works, automobiles and nuclear plants. My view, however, is that it is easier to keep healthy today than it was in the past. This is largely because developments of today’s technology help people overcome urgent situations with great ease. Furthermore, people can use a variety of online courses or programs to improve their health.
To begin with, as far as contemporary people’s health is concerned, today’s technology provides beneficial helps in emergencies. an emergent situation. In most cases, not only should people in the emergency handle problems in a short period of time, but they should also require high technologies. 사람들이 응급한 상황에 기술의 도움을 받을 수 있어서 건강을 더 쉽게 유지한다는 idea자체는 좋습니다. 이를 설명하는 과정에서 단순히 응급상황에서는 이래야 한다, 하는 설명뿐 아니라 빠르게 문제를 처리해야 하는 상황에서 '기술'이 이런 부분들을 도와주고, 더 나은 기술을 통해 쉽게 치료받을 수 있어서 도움이 된다는 설명이 이어져야 합니다. 즉, 오늘날의 기술이 어떤 점에서 도움이 되는지를 풀어서 설명해주는 부분이 보완되어야 합니다. For example, my friend had his arm cut a severe damage with by a big knife by mistake with his arm in art class. He could have been be put in a dangerous situation unless he had gone went to a hospital in a short time. His teacher searched for a hospital adjacent to school by his computer and took him to the place by his own car in 5 minutes. Also, he was able to see a doctor without any waiting time because the hospital had electronic management systems for patients and get a proper remedy with medical devices which are highly developed. Had it not been for these helps of the today’s technology, my friend would have had a hard time or lost his life. Thus, it is probable that it is easier for modern people to maintain good health with today’s technologies than it was in the past. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
In addition, people can use a variety of online courses or programs to enhance their health whenever and wherever they want. It is widely accepted that taking online courses motivates people to do exercise harder with fun and conveniences. 온라인 강좌를 들으면 더 재미있고 의욕이 생긴다는 설명으로는 '더 쉽게' 건강을 유지한다는 point를 보여줄 수 없습니다. '운동' 자체가 건강에 도움이 되는 것이지 운동관련 강좌를 들어서 건강해진다는 내용은 '인터넷'이라는 요소를 강조하기 위한 억지로 느껴지기 쉽습니다. 과거와 오늘날의 가장 큰 차이점인 '정보화 시대'에 초점을 두고 [과거 건강에 도움이 되는 정보를 얻기 어려워서 일반인들이 건강상식이 부족했던 반면 오늘날에는 기술발달로 인해 인터넷이나 TV프로그램 등 다양한 매체를 통해 쉽게 건강상식을 얻을 수 있다]하는 식으로 '정보'와 관련된 점을 설명하는 편이 더 적절합니다. For example, my father had always a great deal of works, which led him to eat instant foods and have no time to do exercise. To recover his health, he took an a online program which was were related responsible for to worker’s health. He was entirely absorbed to the program because it contained some simple exercises which he could do at in home as well as nutritionally balanced diets with interesting visual materials. As a result, he could regain his good health by following the online program. In this regard, modern society has better conditions to make people healthy. 내용을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 사례입니다. idea와 설명부분에서 '정보'에 초점을 두고 재구성하는 편이 현재 사례를 연결하기에도 더 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, I fully agree that it is easier to sustain good health today than it was in the past. That is because the today’s advanced technologies enable people to deal with situations which threaten their life with great ease. Moreover, with helps of online health program people can sustain their good health regardless of time and place.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 각 문단의 main idea들이 좋습니다. 이를 설명으로 풀어내는 과정에서 연결고리를 더 보완해야 할 점들이나 논점이 어긋나는 부분들이 있으니 적절하게 수정보완해주세요. idea를 뒷받침하기 위한 사례 내용에서 논점이 어긋나지 않고 연결성을 잘 보여준다는 점이 좋습니다. idea에 대한 설명 부분만 좀 더 보완해준다면 더 좋은 점수도 가능하실 거예요^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 improve해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!