▶ Your Answer :
Even if for some people who don't like to study, they would at least agree with that the evaluation of academic performance should exist since because it can be used to various purposes such as entering company, getting into higer instititute of education higher educational institutions. The issue here is whether awarding prizes will be is important than giving good grades. In my opinion, I strongly believe that grading each student students is better than giving them prizes, and my view can be greatly substantiated by the reasons addressed below ("~아래 설명한 것처럼" 과 같은 구절은 최대한 삼가해주세요 ㅠㅠ)
글의 도입 부분이나 설명이 충분해서 좋습니다. 여기에서 제일 중요한 부분은 thesis statement (주제/주장 제시, 근거 나열)인데요, 근거 나열 부분에서 꼭 구체적으로 근거들을 나열해주셔야 해요. 참고해주세요~
To begin with, to mark a grade is as crucial as giving prizes to the students because it is a more general and easy easier way of measuring achievements. In other words, although prizes are also recorded in the student's registry, the standardized index of the student's accomplishment can be done easily by points. through what their points are. For instance, there exists GPA, a common standardized point system in every university. The full mark of GPA is either four point three or four point five. Using this united system of marking, everyone is able to see easily can easily see how they have studied. The grades can be utilized at getting into a graduate school or a company, where the GPA of the applicants is more needed to assess the requirements rather than what they have been awarded.
전반적인 구조와 형식 모두 좋습니다. 특별히 구체적인 예시는 안 써주셧지만 부연 설명을 잘 해주셔서 설득력 있네요~ 다만, 이 문단의 주제가 "점수는 쉽고 간편하게 학생을 평가할 수 있다"라는 것에 초점을 맞추고 있는데, 구체적으로 어떻게 더 쉬운지에 대해서 조금 더 덧붙여 주시면 좋을 것 같아요.
Moreover, the point system is absolute while the awards is relative. That is to say, while awarding prizes like choosing a winner or the last loser is decided by the collection of the members, the absolute point shows how the students have achieved by numerizing the students' performances. To be specific, according to the recent experiments conducted by the High Education Association in Korea, marking points rather than ranking students showed a more positive influence to on the subjets. The association seperated a group of students who got an easy math test into two groups, some of which were informed of their rankings and awarded by it, and others were just noticed about their points. Two groups were virtually similar in distribution of the test results and their points were over than ninety which resulted from the low difficulty of the test. However, as ranking system showed low ranks to those who didn't virtually got a bad scores, their academic motivation got low. This experiment illustrates that the student with high accomplishments would be able to be discouraged in awarding system.
먼저, 두번째 Body paragraph에서는 연구 결과를 토대로 예시를 써주셔서 아주 좋습니다. 첫번째 Body paragraph는 보다 간단하게 서술하셨다면, 여기선 구체적인 정보와 데이터을 토대로 근거를 제시해주셔서 근거 자료들이 더 풍부해서 좋아요. 이 문단도 마찬가지로 구체적으로 좀 더 구체적으로 주제와 다시 한번 연간지어 주시고 마무리해주시면 더 좋은 구조가 될 것 같네요~
To make a closing remark, it seems certain that grading mark is a better way than awarding prizes to the students. The score is the normal form of evaluating people, which would be the reason many of associations use the point system. Also, in that the points are absolute while awards are not, giving prizes would dissuade students who didn't got the prize from studying hard.
Conclusion paragraph의 중요한 내용을 모두 다 잘 써주셨습니다. Thesis statement를 재강조하는 부분도 깔끔하게 잘 써주셨습니다. 구절이나 단어들이 반복되지 않게 다양한 표현을 써주신 것도 좋네요~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
주어진 논제를 잘 이해하시고 그에 따라 글의 구조를 잘 정리해주셨습니다. . 예시는 다양하고 부연 설명이 많을수록 근거를 탄탄히 할 수 있습니다. 문법 상으로는, 주어/목적어/동사의 위치를 명확히 하여 전달하려는 내용을 더 정리해서 쓰시면 될 것 같습니다.문장 구조와 단어 선택도 최대한 간결하게 해주세요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.25/5 -> 25.5/30
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