Students are influenced more by their friends than by their teachers.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Students will be the leaders of our future. In order to make competent competence leaders, students have to get influenced in a positive way. To do this, we first have to know what influences the students most. Some people say that students are influenced by teachers more than their friends. However, I think friends are the ones who can change the students the most.
To begin with, students spend most of the time with their friends than their teachers. The difference between the time spent with the teachers and the friends is are significant. To be specific, while students we only spend time with teachers only in school, they we meet friends not only in the school but also outside of the school. Teenage students usually hang out with friends during the weekend eventhough they meet each other during the whole week in school. This difference will lead led to the influence one may get. It is natural to get influenced by someone who you spend most time with. Thus, it is evident that students will most likely change by how their friends are. 친구들과 보내는 시간이 많아서 영향을 받을 가능성도 더 크다는 설명이 잘 연결되어 있습니다. 학교 밖에서도 함께 시간을 보낸다는 점과 많은 시간을 같이 보낼수록 영향받을 가능성이 크다는 전제를 정확하게 지적한 점이 아주 좋습니다. 밑줄 친 내용은 꼭 없어도 논리 흐름에 문제가 되지 않는 부분이니 시간 조절 연습하시면서 글을 간결하게 다듬을 때 참고하세요^^ For example, my younger sister, Jane is an eighteen years* year old girl. * (eighteen-year-old / eighteen years old) She has a best friend in her class whose name is Mary. They met together the first time last year when they became 11th grade. They always hang out together after school as well as inside the school. However, I felt some difference with Jane after she hanged out with Mary. Before meeting Mary, my sister was a very shy girl. She did not seem to have any confidence. However, after being a friend with Mary, who is very confident and outgoing, Jane became like Mary too. I was so surprised when my sister first talked to a the stranger to ask for the way, which she had a hard time doing it before. Through looking at my sister's change, I realized that friends are the ones who can change the student alot. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 내용 흐름이 좀 더 매끄러워지게끔 정리해주면 더 좋을 것 같아요. [내 동생은 원래 낯선 사람에게 말 거는 것을 겁내는 소심한 성격의 아이였는데->Mary라는 친구와 같이 다니면서 낯선 사람에게 먼저 길을 잘 물어볼 정도로 성격이 활달하고 자신감 있게 바뀌었다->학교에서든 밖에서든 Mary와 시간을 많이 보내면서 자연스럽게 영향을 받은 것이다.]하는 식으로요.
On top of that, students feel more conncected with their friends than the teachers. Similarities are very important in order to get influenced by others. the other. Because friends usually have the same age, environment, mindset mmindset and many other factors, they feel become more closer each other. On the other hand, teachers and students, their age are different. Therefore, time times when they cannot understand each other comes come when they talk together. Most importantly, students tend to listen to people who understand understands them better, which proves the reason why students tend not to listen to their teachers or parents. 친구들과 유대감이 더 강하기 때문에 영향을 많이 받는다는 idea자체는 적절합니다. 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 선생님과의 세대차이때문에 이해를 잘 못하고 말을 잘 듣지 않으려고 한다는 점까지 확장해서 설명할 필요는 없을 것 같아요. 결론은 또래에게 더 많은 영향을 받는다는 점이므로 이야기를 잘 듣지 않으려 한다거나 서로를 이해하지 못한다는 내용으로 확장하기보다는 [세대적인 동질감 때문에 좀 더 친구들에게 open-minded되어서 사고방식이나 행동양식을 받아들이는 경향이 크다]하는 식으로 같은 세대 친구들에게만 초점을 맞추는 편이 더 매끄러울 것 같아요. 선생님에 대한 언급은 '다른 세대인 선생님 보다' 하는 식으로 간단하게 appeal할 수 있지요. For instance, when I was in high school, I did not like to talk with adults because I thought they did not understand me. However, my friends seemed to understand me and thus I usually spent my time with my friends. Because I usually spent my day with my friends, most of my personalities, clothes styles, hair styles were all influenced by them. Being an adult now, I still get influenced by people who have common points with me. Therefore sameness greatly helps help students to listen to each other and get influenced. which exists more between the peers than between the relationship between the students and the teachers.
The feeling of conncection with friends and absolute more time spent with friends than the teachers shows show that friends influence more than teachers.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (21-26)
1. 논제에서 students는 teenagers로 풀어도 무방할 것 같아요.
2. conclusion은 논점이 어긋나는 내용을 담고 있는 경우만 제외하고는 거의 점수에 영향을 미치지 않습니다. 1-2문장만으로도 충분합니다. 서론/결론 대신에 본론에 시간을 더 많이 투자하는 편이 좋아요^^
3. 전반적인 idea나 논리 흐름 자체는 적절합니다. 다소 설명이 장황하게 이루어지거나 반복되는 내용이 많아 매끄러운 흐름을 방해하는 부분들이 있으니 글의 흐름에 맞게 다듬어주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. [단계적 구성]이 잘 드러나는 편이 점수 면에서 유리합니다. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!