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Art and music class should be required in young children’s school like science and math class
Opinions vary regarding whether art and music class should be required in young children’s school like science and math class. With regard to this issue (제 생각에는 이 부분이 필요하진 않다고 생각합니다. 그냥 I personally 라고 간단히 해도 괜찮을 거 같아요), I agree with the statement above for several reasons. I believe that young children are able to get daily energy by taking art and music class, and become close with their friends. (음 문제에 대해 요약은 잘 하셨지만 약간 대충 쓰신 느낌이 나요. 이 문제의 중요성을 조금만 더 적는 것도 나쁘지 않다고 생각되요.
First of all, art and music class provides a great of entertainments to young children, which can relieve their stress from daily life. In this competitive world, young students are forced to focus on studying academic subjects such as science or math classes, and thus they rarely have free time to spend for finding mental relief. As a result, many of young children suffer from high level of stress. In this situation, if art and music class become mandatory subjects for young students, they might be able to relieve their daily concerns and to energize their life better (energize 라는 표현을 잘 않씁니다. 그냥 become more cheerful 해도 괜찮을 거 같아요). To illustrate this point further, let me take an example of my brother. (그냥 간단히 for example 해도 괜찮을 거 같아요) He not only has to complete lots of assignments but also has to participate in extra curriculum activities (외국에서는 방과후 활동을 ECA 나 ASA (after school activity) 라고 불러요). Therefore, he inevitably is overwhelmed by lots of burden and is stressed out. When he comes back home, he tries to take his time, listening music or watching art channels (program 이 더 자연스러운 거 같아요). He instantly seems to find mental peace (feel relaxed 라고 해야되요 mental peace 는 어색합니다) and forget about his daily problems at school. To my brother, listening music or watching art channels could bring lots of breathing space to look forward to go back to school on the next day. To prevent our young children from being stressed out, art and music class should be included in regular course at children’s school. (아이디어와 예제 모두 좋으신데요, 아이디어의 설명과 예제가 너무 길어요. 길이를 약간 줄이셔도 똑같은 내용을 전달할 수 있을 거 같아요.)
Secondly, by participating art and music class, young children can achieve close relationship with their friends. In this rapid changing society, our children are exposed to many of competitions. As a result, it is difficult for young children to forge strong ties not only with family members but also with friends. In this respect, requiring art and music class could provide great chance for students to interact with their friends and to keep strong relationship with them. According to the study recently conducted by Bain & Company, people who took lots of art and music classes during their elementary school tend to have more friends than people who only studied academic subjects. The study also mentions that art and music class enables young children to laugh out together and to overcome awkwardness that may exist with not only strangers but also acquaintances. As shown by the study, art and music class has much more benefits to our young children. (확실히 글의 길이가 줄어드니깐 조금 더 집중이 잘 된느데요, 예제에서 research 에 관한 근거를 들어도 되긴 하지만 어떤 채점관 들은 싫어할 수도 있어요. 또한 이 reason 은 첫 번째 body paragraph 랑 비슷해요. Music and are 는 일상생활에서 빠질수 없는 부분임으로, 미리 배우는 것이 미래사회에 좋다 는 부분을 강조해야 채점관들이 바삐 읽으셔도 바로 다른 이유라고 느낄 수 있을거 같아요.)
For these reasons, I strongly support the idea that school has to include art and music class to their core curriculums. This is because by taking these classes, our young students could relieve their daily stress and build up strong bonds with their friends. (탄탄했던 body paragraph 에 비해 결론은 약하게 느껴집니다. 결론에서 opposite side 가 펼칠 possible argument 을 제시하는 것도 좋을 꺼 같아요)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
24
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 근거들 간의 차이가 더 명확해 져야 합니다.
l Conclusion 에도 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 에 대해 mention 하지 않았다.,
l 영어문법은 사소한 문제 빼고는 크게 주의하실 건 없으며
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 brainstorming 에 더 신경을 쓰시고 sentence structure 의 다양성를 높이세요
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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