▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is free for children children should be free to make their own decisions. However, in my opinion, they should ask for help or advise advice from older people to decide correctly.
깔끔하게 introduction을 써주셨네요~ 다만, 가장 중요한 thesis statement의 내용이 부족합니다 ㅠㅠ Thesis statement에서는 주장을 뒷받침할 최소 두가지 근거를 대주셔야 해요. 이 두개가 body paragraph들의 뼈대가 되니, 꼭 참고해주세요~
To begin with, children do not have substantial experiences to make right decisions. The results could be fatal in their future if they just pursue what they want. This is because our world is full of sophisticated situations which are hard difficult for children to fully understand. For example, my friend Kim wanted to buy a red car without telling gis his parents when he was in high school (한가지 의문인건, 고등학생도 "children"의 범주에 들어갈까요? ㅠㅠ). He did not know the information that he had to check the car up before puchasing it the car. However, he just bought that red car and did not work immediately after buying it. He could get some adivses could have gotten some advices from his parents if he told them.
먼저, 영어 표현이나 문법에는 큰 문제가 없습니다~ 전달력에는 문제가 없으니, 내용을 좀 더 보충해주시면 좋을 것 같아요~ 제시해주신 예시는 적절합니다, 하지만 예시와 주장을 좀 더 잘 엮을만한 논리적 연결이 필요합니다. 또한, 고등학생이 "chlldren"으로 간주되는지에 대해서도 좀 더 생각을 해보시면 좋을 것 같아요~
On top of that, heavy responsibilities always follow right behind the important decisions. They sometimes are not able to bear the responsibility of the result. this This is why children should ask adults first when they decide something to do. they can not bear the results. For instance, I made a decision to buy a new laptop because mine was too old version. I just used my mother's credit card and my mom did not know it. When she received the pay check, she called a the police. Because she thought her card was stolen, and I confessed that I did it. My mother wanted to kill me as the cost of the laptop was 1,200 dollars
이 body paragraph 역시 "responsibility"에 대해 서술하고 있는데요, 새로운 의견이기 보다는 그 전 문단을 확장시킨 느낌이 듭니다. Body paragraph의 내용을 좀 더 명확하게 나눠주세요~ 또, 자신의 경험/사례를 퇘로한 예시를 또 제시해주셨는데요, 좀 더 예시의 다양성을 고려해서 일반적 지식이나 연구 결과 등 새로운 방법으로 접근하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 마지막으로, 아까 언급했던 것과 마찬가지로, "children"의 범위에 대해서 좀 더 생각해주세요~
To sum up, children have not do not have enough experiences to make their own decision and they do not even know how to make it right when things do not go as they assume. In this regard, I strongly agree with the statement.
Conclusion 자체는 전체적인 글의 요약을 잘 해주셨어요~ 같은 내용도 다른 말로 바꾸어 잘 서술해주신 것 같네요~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
영어 표현에 아주 능숙하신 것 같네요~ 어휘나 문법 모두 좋습니다. 내용 부분에 신경써주신다면 더 좋을 글이 될 것 같아요. 먼저, 가장 중요한 것은 주장을 뒷받침할 근거들을 명확하게 나누는 것입니다. 뼈대를 잘 세워야 글이 자연스럽게 이어지니, 이 점 꼭 주의해주세요~ 정말 수고 많으셨습니다~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
3.5/5 -> 22/30
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