▶ Your Answer :
Working means earning money and socializing with people. Some people think that having jobs while young people are still students is beneficial it is beneficial for young people to work while they are still students. However, in my opinion, they should focus on their classes while they are still students.
먼저, general information으로 시작하는 글의 도입 부분이 좋네요. 다만 가장 중요한 thesis statement에서 내용이 좀 빠져있어요ㅠㅠ Thesis statement에서는 주장 제시 뿐만이 아니라 근거도 꼭! 나열해주셔야 해요. 이 근거들이 그 다음에 나올 body paragraph의 중심을 잡아주니, 꼭 주의해주세요~
To begin with, teenagers are not able to make much money even if they work. Students have their own obligations which is studying and focus on their subjects. Even parents do not want their children to work. They will have to get jobs after graduation. For example, my friend Kim wanted to have a job when the vacation began during vacation. He could get a job but had no time for doing assignments during the vacation to do assignments. When the class began school started, he brought nothing because of the job. Fanally, he failed to get high scores in his classes. Thus, I believe that students have to study instead of getting jobs.
군더더기 없이 깔끔하게 잘 서술해주셨네요~ 제시하신 예시도 자신이 알고 있는 사례를 들어주셔서 더 신빙성 있고 설득력 있습니다. 문단의 끝 부분에 예시와 주장을 더 잘 연결시키는 부연 설명을 덧붙여주시면 더 좋은 글이 될 것 같아요~
On top of that, there are useful financial aids for students. The meaning of having jobs is that making money for several purposes. If students need their own money, they can receive the financial aids from school. Study harder on their subjects, get high grades from school, and ask for the grant which is available for students. For instance, my family was too poor to pay for my tuition fee. There are only two ways to maintain my learning process. One is that I have to work and make some money for my tuition fee. The other is that I have to receive the financial aids from my school. I chose to receive grant and I could was able to graduate my college with great scores. This is why I think students have to study instead of working.
아이디어가 타당하고 부연 설명도 이해하기 쉬워 좋습니다. 굳이 지적할 부분이 있다면 논제가 "teenager"를 다루고 있는 만큼, "학생"이 꼭 대학생만이 아닌, 중학생이나 고등학생일 수도 있다는 점입니다. 중학교나 고등학교는 장학금 제도가 많지 않은 편이니, 이 점도 고려해주세요. 또, 예시의 다양성을 위해서 개인적 예시나 사례만 사용하실 것이 아니라, 시사 내용이나 연구 결과 등 더 다양한 접근을 시도해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같네요~
In conclusion, I strongly believe that teenagers have to concentrate more on their classes while they are still attending their schools. This is because it is impossible for students to make huge amount of money and there are systems which can support students in school.
Conclusion에 필요한 요소 모두 다 잘 써주셨습니다~ 전체적인 글의 요약과 주장의 재강조 모두 좋습니다.
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
전체적인 글의 구조를 토플 에쎄이 형식에 맞게 잘 써주셨어요. 제시해주신 주장 모두 다 논리적이고 타당하지만 주제와의 논리적 연결에 더 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같네요. 주의하시면 좋을 부분은 thesis statement와 organization, 그리고 무엇보다 논제에 맞게 서술하시는 것입니다. 정말 수고 많으셨습니다~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.25/5 -> 25/30
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