It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents' jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents' jobs.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is often said that children have to choose their jobs that are different to their parents' jobs. In my opinion, however, it is more beneficial to the children, if they follow the same paves of their parents parents' made. This is because they could easily get valuable consultation from their parents, and they would enter the less competitive market.
To begin with, if children work in the same job jobs with their parents, of parents', parents will give reliable advice advices for them. To be specific, parents would deliver the essence of their work from their experiences. 같은 일을 하기 때문에 경험에 기반한 좋은 조언을 줄 수 있다는 설명이 적절합니다. '경험이 있으니까 더 좋은 충고를 해줄 수 있다'는 부분을 좀 더 구체화하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For example, when I took take a social venture class during my undergraduate years, at the undergraduate, our team member tried to make an individual filmmaking company for customer. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any expert in for that area to ask in the campus. 전문가의 조언이 중요하다는 내용으로 논점을 흐릴 수 있으니 생략하는 편이 좋을 것 같아요. My farther, who worked at an entertainment company for 20 years, gave me credible knowledge to revise our draft. Without his consultation, we could not have been possible to get an A+ at that class. In this regard, if children have work in the same job jobs that are similar to with their parents' jobs, they can easily to ask questions from credible sources.
In addition, children could enter the less competitive market. As we know, our society is highly competitive, so that it is hard to establish new career company at the job market. If children continue their parents business at the same place, on the other hands, then they automatically could get a well-known reputation from customers customer. This is the easiest way to enter the market; children do not need any promotion and advertisement. Only thing that they need is to keep quality as same as previous parents' company had. Actually, I could easily see this kind of business near around such as some traditional restaurants and even big company such as Samsung electronics and LG electronics. 부모와 같은 '직종'을 선택하는 것에 대해 묻는 문제와 달리 부모의 가업을 물려받는 내용에 대해 설명하고 있으므로 off-topic에 해당합니다. 부모의 직업을 물려받는 것은 일부 특정한 케이스에서만 적용되는 내용이므로 논제에 대한 충분한 답변이 될 수 없지요. 논제에 맞는 idea로 재구성해주세요.
As I have stated, following the same pave of the parents is better to children than to find a new way. Children could get a credible advice advices from their parents and it could be easy to enter the less competitive market, which already their parents paved a way.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
body1의 idea는 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절하지만, body2의 idea는 논점을 벗어나 있기 때문에 큰 감점요인이 됩니다. body1에서는 불필요한 내용을 제거하고 연결고리를 좀 더 보완해주는 방향으로 / body2에서는 논제에 대한 답변이 가능한 idea로 재구성해서 논리흐름과 사례를 수정하는 방향으로 improve해주세요. '부모가 갔던 길을 가는 것'이라는 추상적인 표현에 초점이 가다 보니 다소 논리를 풀어내는 과정에서 오류가 생겼던 것 같아요. 같은 '종류의 직업을 선택하는 것'에 초점을 맞춰서 idea를 더 발전시켜주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!