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제가 리스닝과 스피킹이 영 허접이라 라이팅에서 꼭 점수 잘맞아야 합니다 ㅠㅠ 첨삭과 의견 진심으로 부탁드립니다. 감사합니다 !!
In today's society, it is widely accepted that one is compensated according to his or her job performance. Even in the East-Asia's human-resources management environment where the seniority-based wage system once took strong root, merit-based salary system has been replacing it. Given this, it is not persuasive at all that teachers should be exempt from such a changing environment; they should be evaluated based on what they have accomplished (thesis statement를 더 명확하고 확실하게 써주세요, 돌려말하는 것이 아니라 직접적으로 표현하시는 게 더 효과적일 것 같네요~).
Introduction의 도입 부분을 아주 잘 써주신 것 같네요. 구체적이고 디테일도 많아서 주제를 이해하기 쉽습니다. 다만, 너무 많은 내용을 쓰려고 하시면 오히려 핵심이 헷갈릴 수 있으니 참고해주세요~ 또, thesis statement는 보다 간결하게, 주제와 주장을 명확히 제시해주시고 근거 나열도 잊지 말아주세요~ For starters, the only factor that can be quantitatively measured is nothing but how well students have improved their performance. Other attributes including parents and students' opinions or peer-reviews are qualitatively rated factors, which can partially judge one's competence. For example, when I was a high school student, there was a teacher who had always ingratiated himself with his students only for the purpose of gaining students' favorable opinions. His teaching skill was not that good, so it was no wonder that his students could not keep a high grade. On the other hand, an English teacher providing high-quality lectures with a well-developed teaching skill and successfully raised his students grade got negative performance reviews from his students, only because he was working on a school-discipline department. What can be drawn from this case is that qualitative factors such as students' opinions are not fair and how good teachers' performance is can be both rightly and objectively rated based on the grade of the students.
정말 예시가 풍부합니다~ 부연 설명도 너무 잘 해주셔서 설득력도 있구요~ 문법이나 문장 구조 상으로 크게 지적할 것은 없지만, 토플 라이팅은 글을 멋스럽게 쓰는 것보다는 내용 전달을 목적으로 하기 때문에 보다 간결하고 명확하게 쓰시는 것이 좋을 것 같네요. 또, 구체적인 것은 좋지만 디테일이 너무 많으면, 핵심을 흐릴 수 있으니, 주의해주세요~
On top of that, this sort of evaluation not only gives impetus to teachers, but also promotes professionalism among them. Every person wants to get a high salary, not to mention they try to avoid getting reduced salary and expulsion from their position. This means that salary can be used both as a carrot and a stick, and as it provides them with fresh and strong motivation to improve their job performance and get out of inertia. Private institutes' teachers are a good example of this. In the private education market, those with students' showing low performance can't keep their career. They are always evaluated by students, parents and colleagues and kicked out of their position if their students' performance is not good enough. To survive in an environment in which logic of market determine their fate, they have no other option but to hone their skills. This leads to advancement of professionalism among private institutions' teachers. 두번째 body paragraph의 내용도 아주 잘 써주셨습니다~ 주장도 타당하고 부연 설명도 잘 풀어서 써주셨습니다. 하지만, 예시를 써주셨으면 더 좋았을 것 같아요. 앞의 문단에서 개인적 경험/사례를 토대로 서술해주셨으니, 예시의 다양성을 고려하여 이번에는 전문 지식이나 연구 결과를 근거 삼아 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 또, body paragraph들을 쓰실 때 어느 정도 분량을 맞춰가며 써주세요~ In conclusion, in a meritocracy society, those who provide good lectures and make encourage students to have good performance are desirable to get a prize. For realizing such a principle, teachers teachers' competency evaluation based on students performance is desperately needed, considering that this is the most objective and verifiable yardstick. In this regard, I agree with the notion that students' performance should be the basis for how much teachers are compensated.
Conclusion paragraph의 핵심은 전체적인 글의 요약과 주장의 재강조입니다. 반복되는 내용임에도 불구하고 다양한 표현으로 아주 잘 서숧해주셨어요. 다만, thesis statement를 rephrase하실 때, 좀 더 간결한 구조로, 주장과 근거를 명확하게 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
글 쓰는 솜씨도 좋으시구 영어 표현에 아주 익숙하신 것 같아요~ 한가지 주의해주실 점은, 토플 라이팅은 무엇보다 명확하고 효율적으로 내용 전달을 하는 것이 중요합니다. 굳이 길고 복잡한 구조로 쓰시는 것보다, 핵심을 잡아서 정확하게 써주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 또, 어휘 부분에도 마찬가지로 너무 많이 쓰시려다 보면 어색한 영어 표현이 나올 수도 있으니, 주의해주세요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.5/5 -> 28/30
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