▶ Your Answer :
Some people argue that it is a waste of time to attend a live performance and think that watching or listening indirectly is better. However, in my opinion, participating in a performance on the spot is far better. My view can be substantiated by the reasons addressed below (직접적으로 근거를 하나 하나 나열해주시지 않으시면 의미가 없어요ㅠㅠ 꼭 주장 제시와 근거 나열을 같이 해주세요).
먼저 introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 부분은 thesis staement 인데요, 주제 소개와 주장 제시, 근거 나열을 해주셔야 합니다. 근거 나열을 하실 때 "~아래 언급한 것처럼"과 같이 언급만 해주시는 것이 아니라, 구체적으로 뒷받침하는 어떠한 근거들이 있는지 써주셔야 합니다.
First and foremost First of all, attedning attending a live performance gives not-comparable experiecne and indelible memory. In other word words, nothing is better than going to a play, concert, or sporting game directly when it comes to fully experiencing the event. For instance, when I was a middle school student, I had to decide whether I should go to a stadium to watch a soccer match between Korea and Japan. Many friends insisted that considering cost and time, it would be better to watch the match at home. However, I thought differently that there would be something special that could not be got just can't be earned just by through watching TV. Consequently, I went to the playground alone So, I went to the stadium by myself even though it cost lots costed a lot of money. The result turned out that I was right. At the stadium, I really enjoyed extremely chanting circumstance the passionate, chanting atmostphere that I had never experienced and it helped me relieve my stress. Also, I could make new friends who enjoyed the match together, feeling bondness. If I had stayed at home, I could not have made new friends and made stress go away.
이 body pargraph의 주장을 명확하게 서술하셨습니다. 제시해주신 예시도 개인적인 경험을 토대로 한거라 더욱 설득력 있네요~ 한가지 더 덧붙이자면, 예시를 소개하신 후 주제와 다시 한번 연결시켜주는 concluding sentence를 써주시면 더욱 좋을 것 같습니다.
Second, attending a live performance helps study hard, too students study harder as well. To put it in another way, enjoying real event on the spot can improve learning ablitiy of students. According to a study conducted by Yale Psychology Center, the youth who attend a live performance more are likely to be emotionally stable and it leads them to develop the learning skills, such as concentration capacity. Especially, attending a live concert plays a role as a strong motivation to students. That is, students become sefl-motivated. For instance, they promise themselves, "I will be able to get an approval to go to the concert if I can get good scores at the exam." By doing so, young people wiill not only study harder, but also get a better result at the exam (이 부분은 좀 지나치게 확대하여 장황한 느낌이 있습니다). In this regard, the way that parents usually do not permit their children to attend a live concert is wrong in that participating in the live performance is a excellent method to motivate student to study. It is a wisdom of 'two birds with one stone,' because the youth can study harder as well as go enjoying concert.
제시해주신 예시와 부연 설명 모두 좋습니다, 다만, 핵심에 너무 자주 벗어나는 느낌이 좀 드네요 ㅠㅠ 한가지 아이디어를 정해서 거기서부터 확장시키는 구조가 좋을 것 같습니다. 또, 예시를 드실 때 예시의 다양성을 위해서 전문 지식이나 연구 결과 등의 내용을 포함시키시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다 ~
All things considered, I firmly think that it is really good to attend a live performance. It provides priceless experience which cannot be offered through watching TV or listeing to radio. In addition, attending a live performance is a nice option academically, as it will help the youth emtionally stable and make them motivated to achieve better at the exam. Therefore, the advantages of going to a concert, sport event, and play far-outweight the disadvantages.
Conclusion paragraph의 중요한 내용을 모두 다 잘 써주셨습니다. Thesis statement를 재강조하는 부분도 깔끔하게 잘 써주셨습니다. 구절이나 단어들이 반복되지 않게 다양한 어휘를 써주셔서 더욱 좋네요~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
주어진 논제를 잘 이해하시고 그에 따라 글의 구조를 잘 정리해주셨습니다. 문장 구조와 단어 선택도 간결하여 이해하기도 쉽습니다. 다만 꼭! 신경써주셔야 하는 부분은 thesis statement와 예시의 다양성입니다. 먼저, thesis statement를 잘 세워야, 글의 완성도가 높아질 수 있습니다. 예시는 다양하고 부연 설명이 많을수록 근거를 탄탄히 할 수 있습니다. 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4/5 -> 25/30
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