▶ Your Answer :
When I retrospect my school-trip experience, the past "I' always complained of travelling in group for limited freedom. At that time, the past "I" always dreamed of going to be being free and travelling alone. However, present "I" think differnetly differently and firmly believe that the best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide. What makes me changed to 180 degree? What made me change my mind? There are mainly two reasons why I change my mind to support the group tour. My opinion can be substantiated by the following paragraphs.
전에도 말씀드렸다시피 근거 나열을 하실 때 "~아래 언급한 것처럼"과 같이 언급만 해주시는 것이 아니라, 구체적으로 뒷받침하는 어떠한 근거들이 있는지 써주셔야 합니다. 도입 부분이 자연스러운 것은 좋지만, 토플 라이팅은 내용 전달을 주목적으로 하기 때문에 좀 더 간략하게 써주셔도 좋을 것 같아요~
To begin with, travelling together can improve the journey's quality of experience and knowledge. That is, travelling with other people can help me understand various feeling and thinking feelings and think about environments of travelling sites better. This is largely because I can share my knowledge and experience with other people and vice versa, I can get invaluable thinkings from them priceless experience from them . Direct experience as well as indirect experience from others can make my trip far more exciting and enjoyable. For example, when I visited New York for the first time, I had little knowledge where I should go and, further, even if I could visit there, I did not know why the site was meaningful. Because I was alone and did not speak English well, I had no choice but to read the brochure which explained the site simply. Whereas While I could not appreciate New York city fully and became dissapointed, my parents had totally diffrent time. As they joined the group tour which was led by a tour specialist, they could listen to the historical meaning of the site and enjoy the true meaning. Moreover, they expressed and shared their feelings with other people thus it helped them sightseeing more enjoyable. If I had taken the group-travelling, then I could have appreicated my trip better.
글의 구조도 더 탄탄하고 예시도 풍부합니다~ 자신의 경험을 토대로 쓰셔서 더 신빙성 있고 설득력도 있습니다. 다만, 예시의 설명이 너무 길어지다 보니 약간 산만한 느낌이 있네요, 마지막에 주제와 다시 한번 연결시키는 concluding sentence를 써주시면 더욱 좋을 것 같아요~
In addition, by travelling together, people can escape from being in trouble. In other words, having people when travelling is far safer than travelling alone. To illustrate, take an example of getting robbed and there is no money, no acquiantance and no cell-phone. In this circumstance, one who travel by himself will not contact to emergency call or get a help from other people. Contrary to him, one who travel together can have little difficulties by getting a help from others easily. According to a study conducted by Korea Sightseeing Department, people who go to India alone are more likely to fall into trouble, such as pickpoketing or sexual harrassment. This is because they cannot get an assistance from others because all people around him or her are stranger strangers, thus they are not willing to give a hand. However, things are different in the case of group travelling. They feel more secured, and it is safer in reality as well.
먼저, 가상의 상황을 설명하는 부분과 연구 결과 내용을 예시로 사용하신 부분이 아주 좋습니다~ 내용도 풍부하고 부연설명도 잘 해주셔서 확실히 설득력 있네요~ concluding sentence가 있다면 더욱 좋을 것 같네요~
These are the reasons why I changed from past "I', who prefered to sightsee alone, to present "I", who strongly support the gruop travel. Considereing invaluable experience and knowledge by sharing diverse thinking and opinion, we can appreciate the travell travelling far better. In addition, safety issue is resolved easily when people join travelling together. The benefits of travelling together, therefore, far-outweight the disadvantages of it.
먼저, 계속 "I"를 언급하셨는데요 ㅠㅠ 토플 라이팅은 수기나 개인적인 글이 아니라 논제에 찬반하는 내용 전달이 중요한 종류의 글쓰기이니, 참고해주세요~ 그 외에 전체적인 글의 요약과 주장의 재강조 모두 다 좋습니다~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
주어진 논제를 잘 이해하시고 그에 따라 글의 구조를 잘 정리해주셨습니다. 문장 구조와 단어 선택도 간결하여 이해하기도 쉽습니다. 예시 부분에서 정말 높은 점수를 드리고 싶네요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.25/5 -> 27/30
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