It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parent’ s job than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents’ jobs.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When choosing a life career, the influence of a parent can be quite decisive. Many parents encourage their children to live the life they have dreamed of, and try a different job from their own. However, in most cases, I believe it would be more beneficial for the both children and parents child and the parent alike if children follow followed in the footprints of their parents.
First of all, it paves a more convenient method for children to succeed success for the children. 문단이 새로 시작되는 부분이므로 it으로 지칭하는 것보다는 키워드(부모와 같은 직업을 선택하는 것)를 그대로 살려서 써 주는 것이 더 좋습니다. Children who share similar occupations with their parents can at least inherit the experiences of the parent, which would save them much time and energy along the way. The parents, who have already had decades of trial and failure in the field, would have a clear opinion of what kind of knowledge and quality is required for the job. In that case, they would be able to better prepare the children for the job, and give them helpful suggestion for their carrer development. Furthermore, experience is not the only thing children can inherit from their parents. For example, a businessman can provide his son a shortcut to success by leaving him an already well-run company, and a politician can leave his children the connections they would need in order to win sufficient support. 이미 그 분야의 경험과 노하우를 잘 가지고 있기 때문에 이를 물려받으면 성공할 가능성이 높다는 idea와 설명이 잘 연결되어 있습니다. 그러나 그 외의 새로운 요소들-사업을 물려받거나 인맥을 얻는 등-에 대한 내용은 틀린 내용은 아니지만 보편적으로 모든 케이스에 적용되는 부분이 아니기 때문에 굳이 범위를 좁혀들어갈 필요는 없을 것 같습니다. 문단의 unity를 확실하게 보여주기 위해서는 문단 안에서 하나의 중심내용(여기에선 부모의 경험과 지식)으로만 내용을 구성해주는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. futhermore이하의 내용 대신에 부모와 같은 직업을 택해서 노하우와 경험을 얻어 성공한 구체적인 example을 제시하는 편이 점수에는 더 도움이 될 수 있습니다.
In addition, a similar career is likely to strengthen the parent-child bond. Nowadays parents often complain that they are losing their child because of busy schedules and a digital social world. However, generation gaps are easily bridged when parents can often exchange career ideas with their children. Though different the lifestyles of two generations may exist, be, the questions they have to face in a similar job can always be a good topic of conversation. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 함께 대화하면서 감정이나 의견을 공유하면 유대감이 생길 수 있다는 전제사항을 연결고리로 먼저 제시한 뒤에 -> 같은 직업군을 가지면 공유하는 topic이 많이 생긴다는 설명을 이어주면 더 짜임새있는 전개가 될 수 있겠지요. Personally, I fell feel closest to my father when he shares with me his experience and wisdoms of reporting for a national newspaper before he retired, because I may come across similar challenges in my pursuit of a career in journalism. He is the first person I turn to whenever I need professional guidance, and I feel like I can always trust him and count on him. It should work the same for most parents parent and a child relationship. As a career mentor, a parent can bond with the child in more profound ways. 적절한 사례입니다. family bond를 잘 appeal하면서 내용을 풀어내신 것 같아요^^
Given the two reasons I just illustrated, it can be a smart decision if the children choose similar jobs as their parents. It would benefit their personal success as well as family relationships.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 입장을 뒷받참하기 위한 idea들이 아주 좋습니다. 다른 글들에 비해서 이번 idea들이 명확성이나 적절성 면에서 제일 좋았던 것 같아요^^ body전개 부분에서 idea를 살릴 수 있을만한 부분들을 좀 더 보완하고 문법오류만 수정한다면 충분히 만점도 가능할 것 같습니다. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!