Q52. What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
For attracting teenagers, many citizens strive to change their hometown into famous city by erecting theaters or parks or some cities construct bars and sell students alcohols illegally. In my opinion, I think these methods that not only the city to develop develops entertaining entertain facilities, but the city provides also and various educational educationally cultures for teenagers contribute to attracting attract students who are exhausted from study or other problems as appealing. I will briefly present two main methods to support my opinion.
First of all, it is able for the method to stimulate to attract students who are same age with me by constructing entertain entertaining facilities such as theaters, game rooms or Karaoke expecting for alcohols can be one possible change to attract people my age. As we can see, the bigger cities are, the more students live in. Also, the cities provide amusing entertain facilities that students are able to enjoy easily. 학생들을 이끌기 위해서 왜 즐길 거리가 필요한지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 학생들 나이대에 즐길 시설이 그 도시로 attract한다는 점을 먼저 강조하고, 이 과정에서 이러한 시설들이 좋은 점을 함께 설명한다면 설득력을 높일 수 있겠지요. 단순히 노래방 게임시설 극장을 지으면 좋다, 하는 식으로만 제시한다면 충분히 논지를 전달할 수 없습니다. 오락을 위한 시설을 짓는 것이 왜 학생들에게 appeal할 수 있는지에 대한 설명을 단계적으로 제시해주세요. To specific, I am dwelling in Daegu city, a small city that is located in Republic of Korea and is the small city. This city has little entertaining entertain facilities in downtown. After end of exam, students who live in the city cities go to Seoul that is the biggest, , capital city of in Korea and has many a variety varieties of entertaining entertain facilities to enjoy cultures and get rid of stress from exam by singing songs in Karaoke, watching movies in the theater and buying clothes that students want to wear in there. It means that the various entertain facilities to enjoy can attract people who of the same age with mine my age. Thus, I think the various entertain facilities for students contribute to my town to appeal to people who are same my age. 같은 단어의 표현이나 불필요하게 긴 문장들이 너무 많습니다. 문장이 필요 이상으로 길어질 경우 전달력이 떨어지기 때문에 가급적 내용 단위로 간결하게 끊어주는 것이 좋습니다. 또한 단어 역시 계속해서 같은 단어를 반복하고 있으므로 어휘력이 부족하다는 인상을 주게 됩니다. 동의어와 다양한 관용표현을 사용해주세요.
On top of that, for attracting students, my city should invest to education educations. education은 불가산명사이므로 복수표현이나 관사(an)를 사용하지 않습니다. The city where has well-developed education system various educations has to be crowed by students who have a desire to learn education and want to be erudite in their major that they want to learn. 교육시설이 잘 되어 있는 곳에 학생들이 몰리게 된다는 내용은 적절합니다. 이 부분에서 my city의 교육 시스템이 발전이 더 필요한 부분을 언급하면서 연결고리를 함께 제시하는 것도 좋겠습니다. According to a survey that has proven by Busan National University, parents who have their children tend to emigrate to vast cities that were specialized in education for learning. To be specific, my cousin wanted to be a famous interpreter and he went to the educational city in America to learn English. He said to me that "Here is crowed by students who want to get learn amazing education educations like me." Eventually, he could be good at English and he is going to be an interpreter step by step. Thus, I strongly assert that the city that was specialized in various education educations can attract many people in my age. who same with my age.
In conclusion, albeit some people might argue that other subordinate reasons attract people, I think that the entertain entertaining facilities and various, deepened education educations are able to appeal to people effectively. I want that my city should to invest a lot of money to entertain cultural facilities that students can enjoy allow easily and good education educations for attracting students.
주로 쓰이는 채점 기준을 참고하세요
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
논제가 무엇인지를 소개하고 나의 입장을 충분히 서론에서 잘 보여주고 있습니다. 그러나 body부분에서 주장과 설명이 다소 피상적이라는 느낌을 줍니다. 연결고리를 보완하고 내용이 잘 전달될 수 있도록 문장 구조에 신경써주세요. 현재로서는 문법 실수가 너무 많습니다. 기본적인 수일치나 태, 주어-술어가 제대로 활용되고 있는지 유의해서 문장을 구성해주세요.
서론과 결론은 점수에 거의 영향을 미치지 않으므로 가급적 서론, 결론에 시간을 많이 들이지 않고 본론에 시간을 많이 투자해서 논리적인 흐름을 만들 수 있도록 시간배분 해주세요. 코멘트 참고해서 내용 수정해주시고 다양한 주제로 연습하시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!