A person who drives his or her own car during rush hour in a crowded city should be charged a fee.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many people use their own car especially during rush hour and this brings severe traffic jam and air pollution. Therefore, a lot of environmentalists and citizens claim that drivers who use their own car during rush hour should be charged. In my opinion, I agree with their claim and the statement that those who drive their vehicle during rush hour should be charged a fee.
First of all, charging a fee will reduce the traffic rate during rush hour. People will use other transportations such as public transportations or a bicycle, or they will drive their car at the time other than rush hour in order to avoid a fee. Consequently, the traffic rate in rush hour will be decreased. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. For example, Seoul city actually charged a fee to the citizens who drives their own car during rush hour. At first, a lot of citizen disagreed disagree with that policy. However, it its effect was evident. After imposing a fee, the traffic rate was decreased but the rate of using subways and bus was increased. After all, Seoul city could solve the rush hour problem. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 이 부분에서 신빙성을 보여줄 수 있도록 더 구체적으로 정책을 설명하는 한 문장 정도를 더 보완하는 것도 좋겠습니다(작년 July부터 교통혼잡이 심한 아침6-9시와 저녁 6-9시에 시행했다, 하는 등)
On top of that, imposing a fee will relieve the air pollution of cars. The occurence of rush hour means that most people rarely use their own car at the time other than rush hour. That is, people use their car mostly during rush hour. Thus, if the traffic rate of that time is reduced, total traffic rate can also be decreased. As a result, people can relieve the air pollution caused by cars. 오염문제를 해결할 수 있다는 idea와 설명이 적절합니다. 특히 오염이 차로 인해 유발된다는 부분을 함께 제시함으로써 연결고리를 잘 보여주고 있습니다. 공기오염이 자동차의 배기가스로 인해 심화된다는 전제가 중요한 부분이므로 내용을 따로 한 문장으로 제시해서 '전제'로 보여주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. In fact, one study from German Traffic Pollution Institution has shown that the usage rate of cars during rush hour is account for 40% of the total rate. That means that people can reduce the total traffic rate by diminishing the rush hour traffic rate. As a result, environmentalists have proposed the suggestion of discouraging drivers for using their car during rush hour.
In conclusion, the traffic rate can be reduced by charging a fee to a people who drives during rush hour. In addition, the air condition can be better because the total traffic rate will be decreased by imposing a fee.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
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