Some people think governments should spend as much money as possible exploring outer space (for example, traveling to the Moon and to other planets). Other people disagree and think governments should spend this money for our basic needs on Earth. Which of these two opinions do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There have been controversial issues with regards to whether the government should spend their money on exploring outer space or the basic needs on Earth. There is still an on-going debate on this topic, and the answer to this topic can vary greatly depending on the individual perspectives. However, in this set of essay, I personally believe that the government budgets should be used for the basic needs on Earth for the following two noteworthy reasons. First, exploring outer space is rarely beneficial. Second, the Earth is going through some serious problems.
To begin with, outer space explorations are unworthy, as there aren’t any notable benefits. Although many space explorations were conducted, not many of them had real benefits to the humans on Earth. Many of them were just about new discoveries about the planets and stars. The discoveries have no real profits, since the outer space conditions had no influence on the individuals’ lives. 과학분야의 발견들이 직접적인 이익을 가져오지는 않는다는 점을 지적한 부분이 좋습니다. 학계에 미치는 영향력이 아니라 실질적으로 사람들에게 이익이 되는 점이 없다는 내용을 강조하고 있으므로, 크게 실용적인 이익이 되지 않는 분야에 투자하는 것은 비효율적이다, 하는 식으로 내용을 정리해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. To take the Mars exploration as an example, NASA has sent a robot to Mars for to gather new information about Mars. From this exploration, NASA has found out that water existed at on Mars in the past and that there is a possibility of living creatures. However, the discovery really didn’t have much effect on the individuals except the scientists who are studying Mars or aliens. This is not confined to just this exploration, but actually most of the exploration of space. them. However, the assuring the basic needs of the individuals on Earth can be highly beneficial, as they are very influential. In this regard, it is evident that the governments should focus on spending more money on the basic needs on Earth, rather than outer space explorations.
In addition, the Earth is experiencing crisis that needs to be fixed. In the recent years, many countries and individuals were focusing on making their lives easier and more convenient. However, while our lives were getting easier and easier, people were unconcerned about the problems they were causing to Earth. These problems are now having negative effects on both the Earth and humans. If these problems are not solved, many innocent species will become extinct, and the Earth can even come to an end. 사람들이 자신들의 삶에 신경쓰느라 환경을 돌보지 못해서 환경이 파괴되었다는 점은 논제에서 이야기하는 'basic needs'와는 큰 관련이 없습니다. 논제에 제시된 'basic needs'라는 키워드는 말하자면 의식주와 같이 사람들이 살아가는 데 요구되는 기본적인 요소들을 뜻합니다. 지구의 환경이 심각하게 파괴되어서 동물들이 멸종 위기에 처해 있다는 내용만으로는 자칫 논점에서 벗어나는 내용이 될 수 있지요. 환경오염이 심화되어서 물부족현상이 생겨나고 사람들이 새로운 종류의 질병에 시달리게 되어 기본적인 삶의 질이 보장되지 못한다, 하는 식으로 논제의 'basic needs'와 밀접한 연관성을 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. For example, global warming, which were caused by the humans, is are giving serious troubles to Earth. The Earth is getting over-heated and many animals are losing their habitats. The variety of species on Earth is necessary for the human survival, so the government should act quickly to maintain our basic needs on Earth. In this sense, the government should spend more money on the basic needs on Earth, not on exploring outer space. 마찬가지로 '지구온난화'를 지적해서 basic need에 투자하는 것이 더 중요하다는 점을 설명하는 것은 가능하지만 동물의 멸종으로 내용을 풀어내기에는 연결고리가 어색합니다. 지구온난화로 인해 basic needs가 위협받고 있다는 것을 보여줄 수 있는 사례로 다듬어주세요.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons: the outer space discoveries are seldom profitable, and there are some serious problems on Earth that have has to be fixed. Although the verdict may still be out, with the two reasons, there is no doubt that the government should spend their money maintaining to maintain our basic needs on Earth.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–21)
우주탐사를 통해 개인에게 돌아가는 혜택이 크지 않다는 점이나 환경오염으로 인해 basic needs에 신경쓸 필요가 높아졌다는 표현 자체는 적절합니다. 내용을 풀어내는 과정에서 정부의 투자가 모두에게 고루 이익으로 돌아가야 하는데 이것이 크게 실용적인 이익으로 나타나지 않아 비효율적이라는 점, 환경오염이 기본적인 사람들의 needs를 위협하고 있기 때문에 정부가 이를 더 신경써야 한다는 점을 강조할 수 있도록 수정보완한다면 더 좋은 글이 될 수 있을 것 같아요^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 improve해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!