▶ Your Answer :
Usually, peoples’ instinct tells them not to stray too far from the sidewalk, and to keep on the safe side as much as possible so they don't hurt themselves. However, despite this instinct, there have always been some people who are attracted to dangerous activities. Although I am not a member of those ones, I totally can understand the reasons behind the attraction. (인트로가 아주 자연스럽네요. 역시 오래 brainstorm 하신 거답게 아주 자연스러운 인트로가 강한 argument 를 펼칠 수 있네요).
To begin with, man were born not only with nature of self-protection, but also with a craving of overcoming one's limitations, and dangerous sports or activities are very good examples that allow them to fulfill this desire. Most of the time, people see something as hazardous when it is a novelty that one has not experienced before, hence are not used to, such as the height and the ocean. At this point, some people who feel curiosity towards these unaccustomed circumstances appear, and these people may start to try inexperienced things and totally understand them, which means overcoming what they thought was their limitation regarding these novelties. For example, when I was younger and went to a ski resort for the first time of my life, I could not enjoy this sport very much since I was afraid of getting stuck in the middle of the slope, and actually, I did so a couple of times later. (재미있지만 크게 점수를 올려주지는 않을 겁니다) But even experiencing the event I feared, I came to understand that skiing is an interesting sport. I learned how to zigzag the snowy slope with my intuition, and now from what I believe, I can ski very well as a result of overcoming a thing which I thought is dangerous. (주장의 연결은 잘 이루어 지고 있지만, 설명이 너무 깁니다. 글쓴이가 시간이 없다고 느끼신 게 너무 긴 설명을 쓰시느라 그런 거 같습니다. 강한 주장을 펼치는데 긴 설명은 꼭 필요한 게 아니기 때문에, 설명을 2 line 안에 끝내시는 연습을 하시면 큰 도움이 될 거 같습니다.)
In addition, dangerous and extreme activities are effective at relieving stress. Apart from the idea of achieving an objective, the thrill and excitement that can only be found by trying activities that somehow seem dangerous or reckless can blow out one's stressful memories very well. According to the statistics given by Fair Trade Commitee, the number of people who find amusement parks increased more than 20 million people in the last 4 years. Considering that the rides in amusement parks are designed to pull out one's panic and feeling of excitement to the full extent, one can ostensibly see the fact that people think positively about the 'danger' in their leisure times, since it can give proper amount of happiness. (확실히 첫 번째 idea 보다 더 강하고 간결하군요. 이렇게 짧게 쓰시니 눈에 더 잘 들어옵니다. 문제도 잘 대답하시고 있고 예제도 좋습니다.)
To sum up, people enjoy dangerous activities and extreme sports not only to relieve stress, but also to feel the accomplishment of overcoming oneself's limitation. I personally believe that these activities that make us feel the unusual tension can make our lives more prolific and joyful.
(conclusion 도 시간이 약간 부족한 느낌은 들지만 꽤나 강력합니다. 허나 opposite side 의 possible argument 를 제시하고 그것을 반박하면 더 강력해 지겠군요. 아주 잘 쓰셨는데, 너무 어려운 단어를 쓰시려 할 필요는 없습니다. Climax 라 쓰는 zenith 라 쓰든 비슷한데, 괜히 어려운 단어를 쓰시다 실수하는 것보단 더 간결하게 의미를 전해줄 수 있는 쉬운 단어를 쓰시고, 어려운 단어 몇 개만 쓰시면 됩니다. Toefl writing mark scheme 에는 적절한 단어 선택이지, 어려운 단어 개수 가 아니잖아요^^)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
24
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주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
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그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
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설명이 약간 길다
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시간이 부족한 느낌이 나지만
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Brain storming 을 제대로 하신 덕분에 강하고 자연스러운 essay 를 쓰셨습니다.
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Conclusion 에도 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 에 대해 mention 하지 않았다.,
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영어문법은 사소한 문제 빼고는 크게 주의하실 건 없으며
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에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
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가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이었습니다 :)
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