Eating homemade food is better than eating out at restaurants or food stands.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
As the world becomes fast-paced, busy and complex, a number of people are choosing to eat at restaurants restaurant or food stands on the streets. Although I admit that it is convenient and easy for them to buy foods, I strongly believe that eating home-cooked meal is much better since it helps us to improve our health and it allows us to spend a quality time with family and friends.
First of all, having a meal at home is more beneficial to people's health than eating at restaurants. This is because when people make their foods by themselves, they try to use fresh vegetables and natural ingredients and pay particular attention to hygiene. On the other hand, the cook and staff at restaurants tend to neglect about clean environment because of the large amounts of orders and use unhealthy ingredients such as preservatives to make their dishes delicious. '신선한 재료'와 대비될 수 있도록 이윤을 남기기 위해 신선하지 않은 재료를 대량 구입하거나 맛을 끌어올리기 위해 조미료를 많이 사용한다, 하는 식으로 연결해주고 / '위생'과 대비될 수 있도록 많은 주문량에 빠르게 대응하는 데 신경쓰느라 바빠서 하루종일 깨끗한 주방을 유지하기는 힘들다, 하는 식으로 연결하는 편이 단계적 구성을 보여주기에 더 좋을 것 같아요. To illustrate, a lot of studies stuies reveal that people who frequentely eat out are more likely to suffer from obesity and diabetes. Since restuarants want to draw in more customers, they make their foods more taste good by overusing artificial seasoning. As a result, these kinds of foods they serve include high amounts of calories and fat as well as harmful ingredients. That is why people who often buy foods easily get fat. 위생과 신선한 재료를 근거로 들어서 '건강'과 연결지은 반면 사례 내용에서는 비만과 당뇨라는 요소를 연결하고 있기 때문에 통일성이 떨어집니다. 영양상태가 안좋다거나 식중독이 발생했던 비율이 더 높았다 하는 식으로 위생과 신선함을 연결지을 수 있는 내용으로 제시해주는 편이 좋습니다.
Second, people can enjoy their meals at home with friends and family more than they do at restaurants or food stands. That is, people feel more comfortable at home in their homes and nothing interrupts their private time when eating with family and friends. On the contrary, it is hard to eat food slowly and have intimate conversations at burstling restaurants because of others' chatting, loud music or the people who are waiting for vacant spots. 방해되는 요소가 없어서 식사시간을 온전히 잘 즐길 수 있다는 논리와 설명이 아주 좋습니다. 식당에서 식사할 때 방해될 수 있는 요인들을 적절하게 제시한 부분도 좋고요^^ For instance, I was disappointed when I went to have a dinner with my mom on holiday for a change. I thought we could have a nice time eating at the restaurant. Unfortunately, I was wrong because the place had has so many people that cooks and staff they little cared care about food quality and service. 비단 사람들이 너무 많은 식당에 대한 내용이 아니라 일반적으로 외식하는 것보다 집에서 조용히 가족끼리만 먹는 것이 더 좋다는 내용을 설명하고 있으므로 '사람이 너무 많아서 음식의 질이나 서비스에 신경쓰지 않았다'는 점은 불필요한 내용입니다. 음식의 질이나 서비스가 아니라 제대로 친목을 다질 수 없었다는 점에 초점을 맞춰야 합니다. Also, it was so noisy that we had difficulty in concentrating on conversation. After that time, my family decided to make special foods together at home and in order to spend better quality time. at home.
In conclusion, due to the fact that homemade food is much more healthier and enables people to have relaxing meal time, I stongly agree that it is better they should to eat more at home than to they eat out. In this way, people can kill two birds with one stone.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea들이 적절하고 설명도 잘 구체화되어 있습니다. 다소 논점을 벗어날 수 있는 요소들을 제거하고 연결고리를 좀 더 확실하게 한다면 충분히 good level대 점수도 가능하실 거예요^^ 특히 설명 내용과 사례 내용이 동떨어지지 않도록 유의해서 improve해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!