It is better to get a stable job than a satisfying job. (주제를 잘못 쓰신 것 같아요~)
As society develops, many issues arise regarding our lives and raise heated debate among people. One such issue that arouses our interest is whether preserving old and historical building is important or not. People from different walks of life may take different stances on this contentious issue. Personally, I firmly believe that the old historic buildings should not be replaced with modern buildings, and there are two reasons that could validate my position. (인트로 잘 써주셨어요. 아마도 템플렛을 사용하신 것 같은데, 문법 오류도 거의 없고, 적절하게 잘 맞게 써주신 것 같습니다.)
First, maintaining historical buildings can make the local economy lively. Mostly, many local areas have a hard time due to economic downturn, which leads to high unemployment rate and low demand for goods. As a result, the recession of local economy can have an impact on the whole country’s economy. In this regard, preserving the old and historical buildings can be one of the ways to boost the economy because they(the buildings) it can attract many tourists to the local area.
(예시는 굳이 다른 문단으로 나눠서 써주실 필요가 없습니다. 위에 문단과 연결하여 써주세요~!) According to a survey conducted by MBC, one of the Korean public broadcasting stations, 66 percent of the surveyed area experienced economic boom because of tourism industry, which made the area more lively and energetic and improved the quality of residents’ lives. In the survey of more than 20 local areas in Korea, many/most of the areas (그냥 단순히 they라고 하면 무엇을 가리키는 것인지 앞의 문장과 연결하여 이해가 되지 않습니다. 대부분의 지역들이라던지, 몇 몇(some)이라던지 하고 가리켜 주세요) they could manage to get out from the depression thanks to people who came to the area to see historical buildings. This clearly indicates that old and historical buildings can act as an economy booster, so they should be preserved in a good condition. (좋아요. 주장을 뒷받침하는 이유도 적당하고, 그에 따른 부연설명과 예시도 적절한 것 같습니다. 무엇보다도 구체적으로 예시를 풀어주셔서 전반적으로 주장이 잘 뒷받침 되는 것 같아요~)
In addition, old historical buildings can give people the opportunities to think about their culture and history. As society has become complex, precious value of those buildings is (value를 받아줌) are often ignored by many people. People living in the modern society are busy with catching up the trends which changes very quickly. As a result, they do not have enough time to take a step back and contemplate on their history and culture. In this respect, the historical buildings can make people to ponder their identities. (can give people a chance to think about their identity)
(여기도 위에서와 마찬가지로 윗 문단과 이어지는 문단으로 만들어주세요) Let me use my own experience as an example. Before going to high school, I had a hard time because I was so confused about my ego and identity. Then, on a the school trip to Hanseong, which was the capital of Joseon dynasty, I was able to could solve the problem. This was is because I realized my culture’s value and thought about myself and history. This example shows that It show people can have the chance to think about their culture and identity by visiting old and historical buildings. (어떻게 답을 얻었는지, 구체적으로 어떤 계기 또는 사건을 통해 자신의 identity를 알게 되었는지 좀 더 구체적이고 명확한 예시를 들어주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 이야기 식으로 무슨 일이 있었는지를 좀 더 설명해주셔도 좋구요.)
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that it is important to preserve and maintain the old and historical buildings.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Excellent (25~28)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 좋아요. 내용이나 구성면에서 특별히 흠 잡을 곳 없이 잘 써주셨습니다. 주장을 이유와 예시들이 잘 뒷받침해주는 것 같고, 예시를 하나는 survey, 하나는 personal example을 써주셔서 밸런스도 잘 맞는 것 같습니다.
2. 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 예시를 이유 문단과 분리하여 쓰지 말아주세요~ 에세이는 총 네~다섯 문단으로 만드는 것이 가장 일반적이고 보기 좋다고 생각합니다. 처음에 서론, 다음에 본문1 (이유,부연설명,예시), 본문2, (필요에 따라)본문3, 그리고 결론을 써주세요!
3. 문법 오류가 거의 없어서 글을 읽는데에 매끄럽고 좋았습니다. 앞으로는 조금 있는 오류들 마저 없앨 수 있도록 더욱 더 신경써서 검토하시길 바랍니다.
수고 많으셨습니다 :)