Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Nowadays, some people might argue that art classes ranging from drawing to music are is not helpful for students in secondary school in order effective in school to survive in this competitive society.
(앞 문장이랑 같은 문단으로 만들어주세요) However, contrary to this opinion, I strongly believe that all students are should be (여기서 are이 나오면 현재 ~렇다 라는 뜻이 되어버립니다. students are required to~ 는 학생들은 ~해야만 한다 라는 의미죠. 하지만 여기서 의미하시는 것은 학생들은 ~하도록 되야만 한다 라는 뜻이기 때문에 should be 또는 must be 등이 들어가야합니다 ^^) required to have study secondary subjects like art and music in school.
This is because, studying having art and music subjects in as an secondary in school provides students with a wide variety one's perspective and good mental health.
First of all, secondary subjects such as art and music help students to develop their perspective. This is mainly because through art and music classes (이 말을 빼주시면 문단의 핵심 내용이 빠지는 것이 되어버립니다), that we can readily be exposed to the friends and studies that we are never known before while interacting and socializing with friends who have different interests and talents. Consequently, students can take a quantum leap in intellectual growth thanks to having an secondary (secondary라는 단어는 보통 secondary school(중학교), secondary education(중등교육) 등을 쓸 때 많이 쓰입니다. 때문에 art and music classes를 secondary라고 칭하시지 않는 것이 좋아요) .
Art and music can be an effective facilitator to intimidate (intimidate는 겁주다 라는 뜻의 단어입니다. 다른 뜻의 단어와 혼동하신 것 같아요!) classmates who never knew about them are never known before.
To give an example, From my experience, when I was in college, I was required to be should enrolled in either an one of art refinement class or classical music class in order to graduate from my school. So, I took a class, and a(A)s a result, I was able to could learn about a wide variety of unique experience such as music, art, and sculpture.
I talked and shared my opinions with friends who were from different majors in school, and I could heard special stories from my friends during semester. (문단의 주장이 무엇인지 헷갈릴 정도로 내용이 중심이 잡혀있지 않은 것 같습니다. socializing with friends 내용은 빼주시고, 새로운 것을 배우며 경험할 수 있게 해준다~는 내용에 관해 정리하여 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요!)
In addition addiction, learning secondary subjects can help students to relieve(d) their stress.
An important reason is that playing instrument and drawing is full of a entertaining factors which promotes creativity. Thus, people can deal with their stress by having activities such as music and art (문제에서 체육에 관한 얘기는 나오지 않았으므로 쓰지 않으시길 바래요)athletic.
School can provide(s) the opportunity with students by requiring students to take adopting secondary subjects.
According to a(n) study conducted by Seoul N(n)ational U(u)niversity in 2010, two student(s) g(G)roups showed a difference in academic achievement. Students in Group A only took have math class and those in Group B had the have same condition except that they had have a break-time. During break-time, they participated in music class by hearing the classical music and learning how to play the guitar. (쉬는시간에 음악 수업을 듣는다는 건 조금 다른 문제인 것 같아요. class를 break에 듣는다는 것은 이미 쉬는시간이 쉬는시간이 아닌게 되지 않을까요..??)
The result showed that the latter group was good at dealing with their emotional problems. In contrast, those in Group A lacked handling mental problems.
In conclusion, without any doubt, it is clear that adopting classes secondary such as music and art in school is beneficial for students; thus, secondcary students should be required to take those classes. (이 말 까지 해주셔야 주제가 완성이 돼요.)
This is because those classes do The reason is that does not only art enable students to broaden their one's perspectives but also reduce the mental stress.
Esssay 0-30 score scale
Limited~Fair (14~17)
총평:
1. 문법 오류가 많은 편입니다. 오류가 많다면 글을 읽을때에 중심내용을 찾기 어렵고, 이해하는데에 방해를 하게 되어 감점의 위험을 줄 수 있습니다. 따로 문법 공부를 하시면서 라이팅 에세이를 준비하신다면 더욱 더 효과적으로 점수를 올리실 수 있을 것 같아요~ 위에 체크해드린 부분들 확인하시고 참고해주세요.
2. 한 문단에서는 한 주제/이유를 중심으로 하고, 그에 따른 부연설명과 예시를 적어주시길 바랍니다. 또한, 글의 방향을 좀 더 잘 잡아주실 필요도 있을 것 같아요.
수고 많으셨습니다 :)