As the lifestyls have improved over the years , the question of how to spend money has evolved in various ways. Some people sepnd money on temporary pleasure, and others save it for the future. Although shopping and traveling give individuals invaluable experiences and enjoyment ( 이부분은 개인적인 견해이지요. intro 에선 좀더 broad 하게 시작해 주세요 주제에 대한 이해도를 충분히 설명한 후 ) , I strongly believe we should save money for the future and rainy days because money can support the long -term goals that people strive for Moreover, saving can protect us from the case of emergency and the disaster coming forward .
To begin with, there are many fundamental goals one needs to pursue-buying a house or paying for tuition .It is Moreover, if they spend money on a trip , it will take much longer until they can complete their degrees because these require a lot of time and money. Therefore , saving is wiser spending for the future. ( 여러가지의 supporting 문장은 좋지만 좀 더 일관성있게 support 해주세요. )
In addition, one should should always save money for unanticipated situations including emergencies . In other words, one can feel financialiy stable and prepared through saving.For example, my brother had a car accident and was hospitalized for two weksweeks .Though he needed a lot of money for a big operation, he could have the operation without having to worry about the money required
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- 주제에 좀 더 알맞은 예시를 필요로 합니다. - supporting 해줄 수 있는 문장을 넣어 주세요 -졍확하게 논제를 파악하였으니 설명이 적절치 않습니다.
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주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Limited - Fair (16–20)
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