It is better to have friends who are similar to you than those who are different from you.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is often said that opposites attract. “opposites attract.” that을 사용하시면 quotation mark는 필요 없습니다. Some people argue that having friends who have identical tendency is better than having those who are dissimilar. However, I definitely believe that it is a great idea to have friends who are very different from with me in life. This is not only because various friends add the diversity to people’s lives, but also because they broaden people’s perspectives and thoughts.
First of all, making friends who have different disposition, hobbies, lifestyles and so on is greatly helpful because the a different friend helps people someone to have the diversity in life. This is due to the fact that people with friends who have diverse tendency are better able to explore and experience the whole world newly. If someone makes friends with the same personalities, he or she comparatively will not have many opportunities to do something new. [나와 다른 친구를 사귀면 -> 새로운 것을 경험할 수 있어서 -> 삶의 다양성이 생긴다]라는 논리 흐름 자체는 적절하지만, 명확하게 '좋다'는 점이 와닿지 않는다는 것이 아쉽습니다. 새로운 경험을 많이 할 수 있어서 지루하지 않다거나 다양한 경험을 해서 더 즐거운 삶을 살 수 있다거나 하는 식으로 '장점'이 명확하게 드러나는 표현으로 다듬어보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. To illustrate this point, when I was a university student majoring in literature, I joined a the famous sports club in college and made a lot of various friends. Especially, I was able to learn and experience a wide variety of sports activities such as swimming, tennis and skiing. Whenever I acquired and improved the numerous sports skills, I felt very satisfied and excited and had a sense of fulfillment. Consequently, this allowed me to expand the range of life’ new experience in my life.
Secondly, making various friends widens one's the point of view someone is making to toward the world. This is mainly because when friends share and open their opinions, ideas, and perspectives, they become more tolerant of each other and broaden their understanding of life. If someone only makes one similar friends friend, his or her worldview is less likely to be expanded and this is not good for a success of a successful life. 기본적인 idea와 논리 흐름의 방향은 적절합니다. 다만 단순히 의견을 교환하는 과정에서 시야가 넓어진다는 식으로 설명되어 있다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 자기와 다른 다양한 친구들을 만나야 시야를 넓힐 수 있다는 점이 분명하게 드러나면 좋겠습니다. 예를 들어 모두가 나와 같은 생각을 가진 것은 아니라는 점에 대해 인식하고, 다른 사람들의 생각과 의견에 대해 알게 됨으로써 시야가 넓어진다는 식으로 내용을 보완하면 나와 다른 친구를 사귀는 것의 장점으로 연결하기에 더 자연스럽겠지요. For instance, a recent study of colleges did the experiment with two groups in order to find out how dissimilar friends affect people’s attitudes and views. Surprisingly, after they stayed and hung out with together for five months, it seemed that while the different personalities of people in one group became more generous to other people and broadened their views of life, the analogous people in the other group one hardly got had effects on of their attitudes and perspectives. This result shows that with having a variety of friends, people can improve their understanding of the world. 적절한 내용의 예증 자료입니다. 문장이 불필요하게 길어지는 부분들을 내용 단위로 끊어서 정돈해주세요.
To summarize, because of the diversity in environment with various friends as well as the true understanding of others’ views, it is highly important and necessary to make a broad range of different friends. As a result, although there is more or less a difficulty of making friends who are very different from with me, people need to endeavor for making a number of various friends in order to truly succeed in their life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (21–25)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea들이 명확하다는 점이 좋습니다. 주장에 대한 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 논제와의 연관성이 높아지도록 키워드를 적극 활용해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 간혹 문장이 길어져서 전달력이 떨어지는 부분들이 있으니 함께 체크해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!