Young people enjoy life more than older people.
Some people say that young people can do anything because they are healthy and have fewer responsibilities. Therefore, according to what they say, youngsters they tend to enjoy their lives more than the elders/old people older. However, I disagree with this statement. This is b(B)ecause older people have more time and money to spend; also, they know how to enjoy life through their previous experience. (인트로에서 필요한 내용은 빠짐없이 다 써주신 것 같아서 좋아요. 좀 더 문법에 신경쓰셔서 문장을 매끄럽게 해주신다면 좋을 것 같습니다~)
First of all, older people have enough time and assets to do for doing whatever they want. Since they have retired from their company, they have enough time to enjoy their lives such as traveling with families or doing their hobbies, which they didn't have when their own time for traveling with families or hobies before because they were young and so they stuck with their work. Having enough time and money gives opportuinity, which offers a wider range of options to improve quality of life to people. The best exemple of this is my grandfather. When he was young, he was stuck with work, and he worked days and nights, even on weekends. This was because Since he had a lot of responsibilities to support that supported his family. But now, his(') sons and dauther grew up and have had their own families , and so also he quitted his work. stopped working, H(h)e has enough time to doing which he missed the activities that he could not do when he was in his 30's. This example His exemple shows that older people tend to have more fun in their lives than young people. (예시 적절한 것 같아요. )
Also, older people already know that how to enjoy their lives. Since they have had much experiences which had made them upset or sad. mades he or she upsets or sorrow. Through undergoing this experience(s), they acquired their own know-how of konw-how how to control their mind and get remove their stress away. However, young people have fewer experience which helps to enjoy their lives so they often get stress a lot from work or relationships.To illustrate this point, according to Time magazine, older people are less subject to depression than young people, Also I heard many news that young people's suicide cases are much higher than the elders' older. (예시 좀 더 구체적으로 들어주세요. 길이가 중요한 것은 아니지만, 예시가 너무 짧다는 것은 충분히 주장을 뒷받침하고 설득할 만한 내용이 들어가 있지 않다는 것입니다. 좀 더 부연설명을 하거나 예시를 구체적으로 만들어 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요!)
To sum up, I can firmly say that older people surely enjoy their lives more than young people. This is because since they have enough environments that time and cash for doing whatever they like , and they also have lots of aquired know-hows to soothe their mind.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Limited~Fair (13~17)
총평:
1. 전반적인 내용은 무난한 편인 것 같습니다. 주장이나 이유 괜찮았고, 다만 뒷받침하는 예시와 부연설명이 부족했다는 점이 조금 아쉬워요. 각 본문 문단마다 두 줄 정도 추가적으로 내용을 더 써주셔서 주장을 강하게 만들어주시면 좋겠습니다^^
2. 문법 오류가 많아서 문장을 이해하는데에 어려움이 조금 있었습니다. 물론 문법이 완벽한 것 보다 내용이 완벽한 것이 더 중요하겠지만, 에세이는 글로 평가받는 것이기 때문에 문장력과 문법이 나쁘면 나쁠수록 점수가 깍일 수 밖에 없습니다. 가능하면 작문 연습과 더불어 문법 공부를 같이 해주셔서 더 매끄럽게, 문법 오류를 줄이고 글을 쓸 수 있으시길 바랍니다. 또한, 어려운 부분이 아니라 실수 때문에 문법 오류가 있는 부분들도 보였어요. 에세이를 다 쓰신 후 이런 부분들을 줄일 수 있게 꼭 검토하시길 바래요!
반복적으로 오류를 만드신 부분 중에 하나 짚고 넘어가고 싶은 부분은 바로: "Since they have enough time and money. They ~~~" 같은 부분이나 인트로에 "Because older people have more time and money also ~~."같은 곳입니다. Since나 because, 그리고 yet, while,등은 그 자체로 문장을 만들 수 없고, 구절로 남을 뿐입니다. Since I like him. 라고 문장이 끝날 수 없고, Since I like him, I gave him one more chance. 같은 식으로 나와야 문장이 완성됩니다. 이 부분에 대해서는 좀 더 문법 공부를 해주시면 좋을 것 같아요~
수고 많으셨습니다 :)