With the help of the Internet, students can learn more effectively
As the society develops, many issues arise regarding our lives and bring up raise heated debate among people. One such issue that arouses out interest is whether students can study more efficiently with the Internet. People from different walks of life may take different stances on this contentious issue. Personally, I agree with the given statement, and there are two reasons that could validate my position. (인트로 무난하게 잘 써주신 것 같습니다. 흐름이 자연스러운 편이에요~)
First of all, the Internet allows many people to study. Mostly, some people in the poor house do not have many opportunities to learn because they do not have enough money and time to study. As a result, they cannot learn as much as other students who are raised in wealthy family. In this respect, if the poor students get help from the Internet, they can have the chance to study.
(예시를 쓰실 때 독립된 문단으로 쓰지 마세요. 본문 내용과 같은 문단으로 만들어서, 에세이에 총 4~5개의 문단이 나오게 써주시길 바랍니다(서론-본론1-본론2-결론)) Let me use my own experience as an example. Before going to high school, I was not able to could not study hard(study hard라고 하면 공부를 "열심히"하는 것이기 때문에 논리상 조금 맞지 않는 것 같습니다. 공부를 열심히 못 한다기 보다는 공부를 잘 할 수 있는 상황이 못 되었다 라고 말하는 것이 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. 또는 support나 help를 받지 못했다고 하시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다~) because I was not rich so it was nearly impossible for me with my economical status to buy books and go to institutions. My grade was getting lower and lower, and I felt very frustrated and uncomfortable. At that time, I had an access to the Internet, which enabled me to study by listening online lecture, which is more was provided at a more affordable price. Also, there is so much information in the Internet that I was able to can use the unlimited information on free. It helped me to study hard, and I got a good score on the final exam. This example It shows that with the aid of the Internet, even those who do not afford to get educational support can study well I could study hard. (주제는 인터넷의 도움으로 더 "효과적으로" 공부 할 수 있다는 점을 들고 있습니다. 때문에 단순히 공부할 수 있게 만들어준다, 학습자료를 좀 더 부담없는 가격으로 구할 수 있게 해준다는 점에 그치기 보다는 인터넷의 자료들이 어떤 식으로 공부에 도움을 주는지, 학습효과를 높여주는지 등을 말씀해주시길 바랍니다!)
In addition, people can study at in any place and at any time with the Internet. Before the invention of the Internet and computer, it was impossible to listen to professor’s lecture and ask a question to a teacher outside school, which was only available at school and in daytime. As a result, the time and place of studying was restricted. In this respect, the Internet removed the restriction.
(여기도 마찬가지로 앞 문단과 이어서 한 문단으로 만들어주세요^^) According to a survey conducted by MBC, one of the Korean public broadcasting stations, 66 percent of surveyed students responded that they can study whenever and wherever they want with the Internet. In the survey of more than a thousand students in the Seoul metropolitan area, the respondents said that whenever they have questions, they upload their problems on the school homepage at any time. Also, (문장이 너무 길어서 두개로 쪼개는 게 더 좋을 것 같습니다) and also, they can take classes at e-learning site in any place, such as in the subway and so on. This clearly indicates that thanks to the Internet, students can study whenever and wherever they want. (여기서 끝나면 안돼요! thesis statement와 연결을 시켜주셔야합니다~ 어느곳에서나 언제나 공부할 수 있다- 때문에: 인터넷은 학생들이 더 효과적으로 공부할 수 있게 도움을 준다 라는 내용을 추가해주셔서 마무리지어주시길 바랍니다)
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that students are able to study more efficiently due to the internet/with the help of the internet (이 말 빼먹지 말아주세요. 결론에서도 중심주장을 빼먹는 부분 없이 다 써주세요).
Essay 0-30 score scale
Limited~Fair (15~21)
총평:
1. 중심내용에 좀 더 신경써서 써주시길 바래요. 이유와 예시가 그냥 보면 괜찮아 보이지만 주장의 중심내용과의 연결이 부족합니다. 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 주장과 어떻게 연관이 있는지 설명해줄 수 있는 내용을 추가해주시고, 또한 본문 문단의 내용을 마무리 하는 데에도 좀 더 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다~!
2. 결론은 길이에는 제한이 없으나, 필요한 내용은 빠짐없이 써주시길 바랍니다. 한 줄로라도, thesis statement (나의 주장, I believe ~~에 ~부분이 되겠네요)를 써주시고, 될 수 있다면 위에 본문에 나온 이유1,이유2를 간략하게 써주시면 좋겠습니다.
3. 문법 오류 체크해드린 부분 확인해주시고, 같은 실수는 하지 않도록 검토 꼼꼼하게 해 주시길 바래요~!
수고 많으셨습니다 :)