*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
As the world changes faster than ever before, the importance of advertisements is growing faster. Some people think that advertisements these days are is not helpful because they always cheat on people to make them buy their products. However, in my opinion, recent ads can be trustful and helpful so that it is much more reliable than ads in the past. There are two reasons that I could discuss to support my opinion.
First, advertising today has more information about their goods than in the past. 두괄식 문형에 맞게 문단을 구성할 때에는 첫 문장에 문단의 핵심내용이 잘 정리되어야 합니다. 광고가 이전보다 더 많은 정보를 보여준다는 점 자체가 main idea가 되는 것은 맞지만, 설명 내용에서 이야기하는 시대의 변화(소비자가 더 똑똑해졌다)에 대한 키워드도 함께 포함해주면 좋을 것 같아요. This is because companies have no choice but to show much information of their products since because, these days, people are getting smarter and they require companies to show more information of their goods. On the other hand, in the past when there was is no using the internet services and when people were in lack of information about all things, it allowed allows companies to be able to make their ads by concealing disadvantages of products. For example, my father bought a car last year by comparing differences of ads they showed to my father between other company’s cars. This motor company didn’t conceal the aspects of disadvantages of products because they already knew know my father had known about this car and could can compare other company’s car. However, if my father had had to buy a car about 20 years ago, motor companies could have easily hid hide disadvantages of their cars because they think thinking that their guests would have less information about their cars. and they do not require to know details of their cars. Thus Likewise, nowaways, even if companies want to hide drawbacks of their products, they have no choice but to show all information to fulfill their buyers requirements.
Second, advertisements these days are much more trustful. 오늘날의 광고가 과거보다 더 신뢰할만하다는 표현은 다소 피상적이라는 느낌이 듭니다. 정부의 규제가 강해져서 과장이 줄어들었다, 하는 식으로 정리해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. This is because, these days, the rules of media of the government have been strengthened. because The government wants to reduce exaggeration of ads. Consequently, companies have to show their products sincerely with no containing without lies. If a company makes make an advertisement and it contains including a lot of things that is wrong information, the government should ban this ads. For example, a similar situation has occurred in Korea in 2007, a beverage company was banned cannot show from showing their ads on TV. The government of Korea said that the ades this contained contains exaggeration of things and the information on this the ads wa sis far from the truth. After this issue, they decided to change a concept of ads and made a sincere ads. In other words, these days, there are is only trustful ads on this earth.
Because of the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that advertisements these days are much more helpful than ads in the past for two reasons: much information and trustworthy.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
과거보다 오늘날의 광고가 더 도움이 된다는 나의 입장을 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 idea가 되어야 하므로 설명 내용에서 단순히 '정보가 더 많이 제공된다, 과장이 없어 믿을만하다'라는 부분으로 마무리될 것이 아니라 "~니까 도움이 된다"라는 입장으로 연결될 수 있어야 합니다. 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결할 수 있는 연결고리들을 보완해주시고 피상적일 수 있는 표현들을 다듬어서 improve해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!