Advertising today is less honest than it was in the past, and therefore it is not useful to people to decide which product to buy.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in our current society, advertisements have a tremendous importance in our lives. Some people think that advertising today is less honest than it was in the past. However, it is clear that advertising today is as honest as it was in the past, and therefore it is useful to people. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument, so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to the topic: the concepts of efficiency and decisions.
First of all, the most important reason for my feeling this way is that people can use their money more effectively thanks to today's advertisements. It is imperative that we use and allocate time wisely in our everyday lives. Thus, it can be said that advertising today is honest because people can make the most of their money. 돈을 효율적으로 사용하고 시간을 현명하게 배분하는 것이 '광고의 정직성'과 무슨 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다. 광고가 정직하고 사람들에게 유용하다는 점을 보여줄 수 있는 idea가 되어야 합니다. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 내용을 보완해주세요. Take my mother, for example. It was very efficient when she checked advertisements by using on the Internet. It only cost my mother 2,000 dollars to buy a new car. On the other hand, my friend Tom had to spend over 2,500 dollars on to buy the same car. Unlike my friend Tom, my mother checked advertisements on web sites. She was able to find out which store sells the car at in the cheapest price. This example clearly shows that advertising nowadays is as honest as it was in the past because of efficiency. 광고가 사람들에게 효율적인 소비생활을 도와준다는 사례 내용이 광고의 '정직성'을 보여줄 수는 없습니다. usefulness를 보여주는 사례 내용에 해당하지요. 흐름을 수정해서 논제가 이야기하는 '유용성'의 개념과 연결해주시면 될 것 같아요.
Second, another reason which proves my point is that advertising affects affect the decision we make. Advertisements give us different perspectives. Advertising nowadays is as honest as it was in the past and it gives people important information because people can make better decisions by putting these perspectives into consideration. 마찬가지로 사람들이 '참고해서 좋은 결정을 내린다'라는 사실만으로는 광고의 정직성이나 유용함에 대해 설명해줄 수 없습니다. 사람들이 광고의 정보를 참고해서 결정을 내렸을 때 대부분 좋은 결정을 내릴 수 있다는 것은 광고의 정보들이 제대로 된 정보고 유용하다는 반증이다, 하는 식으로 설명을 좀 더 발전시켜주는 것이 좋겠지요. 또한 사람들이 광고 덕분에 어떤 결정을 내리게 되고 어떤 식으로 도움을 받는지에 대한 내용도 보완이 필요합니다. This applies in a variety of different but relevant situations. When I was graduating from high school, I made a solid decision on my university because I was informed. Going to Korea University was possibly one of the best decisions I had ever made. This answer was based on off my homeroom teacher, Mr. Doh. He already attended to Korea University and knew it would be best for me. I like studying math and he knew the university had good math professors from experience. This same situation applies to people who were informed through advertisements. They can obtain the information which is necessary to make decisions from advertisements. This example is an indicator that advertising today is as honest as it was in the past because of decisions. 내가 다른 사람에게 정보를 얻었다는 점을 '비유'해서 광고의 이점을 설명하는 것은 설득력이 떨어집니다. 실제로 광고가 정직한 정보를 제공하고 그것이 사람들에게 도움이 된 것을 보여준다는 것을 증명해줄 수 있는 내용이 되어야 합니다. 설명 내용을 다듬고 그 흐름에 맞게 사례 내용도 함께 수정해주세요.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on the matters regarding this topic.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–21)
논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 사람들이 광고 덕분에 효율적인 소비생활을 할 수 있고 의사결정에 도움을 받는다는 점이 광고의 정직성 및 유용성과 어떻게 연결되는지를 충분히 설명할 수 있어야 합니다. 기본적으로 두 idea모두 충분히 논제에 맞게 다듬을 수 있으니 더 발전시켜서 내용을 만들어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!