There are is a substantial number of people who think that young people nowadays are more willing to help others than those in the past. They insist that there are a lot of news that young people helped unfamiliar others. On the other hands, I think that young people nowadays tend not to help others because the moral education in school lacks, and also they are very busy for their own work.
To commence with, the young people would not want to help others recently because they have not learned how to help (또는, what to do) they have to do when they see a person who are people in trouble from school properly. In general, children get learned the moral attitudes as a social member from their parents and the school. (get learned 라는 말은 쓰지 않아요. 어떤 의도로 쓴 문장인지를 잘 파악하기가 어렵습니다) However, recently, this moral education tends to disappear in school because the schools start to concentrate more on the students' academic result like getting into a famous university. The research has been conducted by the Korean Times. It states that more than eighty percent of university students answered that they got had morality classes less than 2 hours a week. It is impressive comparing to the fact that more than seventy percent of adults who are older than 40 answered that they had three times more classes than young people had. Thus young people nowadays could not get a enough moral education enough to have sympathy with on others.
On the top of that, even though they want to help others, they cannot do it because they are very busy. From my experience, two month ago I had a problem in my research assignment two month ago. I thought that my classmates could handle it, so I asked them to help me. However they were sorry for the fact that they cannot help me do that. They also had a heavy workloads too. One of them had to take six courses a week and participate the research project which was were conducted by his professor. In the end, I did not have had no way but to handle except handling that problem myself. Hence, I assert that young people are too busy to concern others.
For these two reasons, I maintain my opinion that the young people tend not to help others than those in the past.
전체적인 내용은 괜찮은 것 같아요. 하지만 문법적으로는 문제가 좀 많은 것 같습니다. 기본적인 수일치가 잘 안되는 부분들도 매우 많아요. 그리고 관사의 사용도 한번 확인을 하고 쓰시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 또한, 문장구성에도 신경을 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 주어와 동사를 가지고 있는 완벽한 문장이 아닌 경우도 있어요. 다시한번 에세이를 읽어보면서 수정을 하면 좋을 것 같아요.