Cooperation with others is considered an important factor for human beings all over the world because people are social. (people은 social 이 될 수 없어요. Because people form social connections 이런식으로 문장을 완성시켜주셔야 합니다) However, many people think cooperation is more important factor these days than in prior periods. But I think it which is not true due to two following reasons.
First and foremost, I think the period that in which cooperation with other people was the most pointed out was the agricultural period during mankind history, much more than now. (문장을 이어주는 방식이 잘못되어 있어서 문법적으로 틀려요.) When human beings' first period (무슨 의미로 쓴 말인지 모르겠어요. 인류의 첫 시대가 농작물을 기르는 것 이었다는 건 말이 되지 않습니다. 수정해주세요) was to raise crops, cooperation was extremely important because a person or two cannot finish the whole process of agriculture. Since Because the technology was not well developed, machines for raising crops were not invented yet did not exist and people have to do their work by their own hands with just simple tools. Comparing with these days which agriculture is not required many people but required only many machines, helping each other for crops was not an optional but eccential. (문법적으로도 틀리고 무슨말을 하려는 건지 잘 모르겠습니다. Compared to recent agriculture, helping each other and cooperating was essential, not optional, at the time when there were no machines to raise crops easily. 라고 쓰시면 현재의 농업과 비교하여, 농작기계가 없던 시대에 서로를 돕고 협렵하는 것은 선택이 아니라 필수였다. 라고 해석이 됩니다. 이런식으로 수정하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) Therefore, the ability to cooperate is more important during agricultural period than these days.
농기계의 발전이 사람들의 노동을 별로 필요로 하지 않기 때문에 협력의 중요성이 줄었다는 점에 더 중점을 두는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 지금 에세이 내용은 과거에는 협력이 더 필요했기 떄문이다가 중점인 것 같습니다. 제 생각에는 과거에 협력이 더 중요햇을 뿐만 아니라 현재는 많은 사람들이 기계를 이용해서 남의 도움 없이도 혼자서 일을 처리할 수 있기 때문에 협력의 중요성이 많이 떨어진 것 같다고 하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
Second, there are so many things that can be done without any help of others in modern society.
During prior periods, many companies have required to do employees to do their job at office during prior periods. However, these days, working at home becomes became widespread. It does not mean that all works can be done at home but the occurrence of working at home is clearly increasing these days, reducing the importance of cooperation with others. As an example, Computer programmers are one of the best examples that the cooperation is getting less important importnace. Computer programmers have had to learn about new programming skills, and discuss with each other in order to build a new system. The lastest trend, however, is all changed. They learn new programming skills not by studying together but by studying from with online lecture. Also they do not discuss with others but rather get their own assignment and just do what each person has to finish. Instead, specialists are employed for building a new system and assigning a role of for each person.
이 문단에서 말하고자 하는 이유는 토픽을 support 하는데 적당한 것 같지가 않아요. Cooperation의 중요함이 예전과 지금중 언제 더 중요하는가를 말하는 것에 있어서 잘 support 되는 거 같지가 않네요. 컴퓨터 프로그래머들이 집에서 일을하게 되면서 다른 사람들과의 접촉이 들어들고, 많은 사람들이 스스로 공부를 하기 시작하면서 서로에게 도움이 되지 않는다는 점에 조금 더 중점을 두면서 focus 되게 support 해 주는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
Although interaction with others is important and how people cooperate with others are one of important abilities, it does not mean that these ability is specifically considered to be important these days. Throughout the past periods, cooperation was is always considered to be important and the but this tendency is getting weakened these days due to the modern technology and changed working environment.
전반적으로 내용적으로나 문법적으로 수정이 필요할 것 같아요. 내용적인 측면에서 완전히 틀린 것은 아니지만 약간의 off topic으로 가는 경향이 있어요. 좀 더 focus되게 써 주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 문법적인 면에서는 조금 보강을 하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 기본적인 문법을 틀리는 부분도 종종 보입니다. 그리고 문법을 다시한번 보면서 문장 구조에도 신경을 쓰시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 문장구성이 애매해서 의미전달이 되지 않되는 부분도 있습니다.