Observing or studying animals can teach us something about human nature.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
As the society gets developed develop it is very controversial controversy whether people`s nature could be found from researching animals. Some people might say that it is possible to find human character from animals due to animals and human are living creatures. However, I strongly insist human character cannot be found by studying animals as humans are human is more intellectual than animals also humans are human is social creatures.
To begin with, unlike animals, which regard instinct as the most important thing, humans human put rationality as primary value than desire. Therefore observing animals which can`t press their desire to sleep or eat will not show human characteristic. 동물은 본능을 우선시하고 인간은 이성을 우선시하기 때문에 다르다는 점을 잘 지적한 부분입니다. 더 구체적으로, 본능을 우선시하고 있는 동물에게서는 이성적인 행동이 관찰될 수 없다는 등의 전제를 함께 설명해서 논지를 강화해준다면 좋겠습니다. As an example, when people catch a wild animal they use a simple trap which has a food inside. The animal which moves move with its its` instinct just goes go in for food and get got caught. In contrast, when police try to catch a suspect, they use a complex trap due to since the suspect can notice the trap. As a result, studying animals will not help us to find human characteristic in them due to the difference between animals` desire nature and the human`s intellectual feature.
On top of that, in these days humans live in the global society, which makes humans human relate their lives with another national nation relationship. However, the biggest animal society can form is flock, which brings biggest difference between animals and human. In generally, animals only need to care about their rank system or food supply for their flock. In opposition to this, humans need to check global issues whether issues will affect their companies, economy and national trade. / To clarify, animals only need to control their flocks and a few of their surroundings which is more convenient than people who always need to see global issues and prepare for future affections. 같은 내용의 반복이므로 to clarify를 기점으로 앞이나 뒤의 내용 하나만 남겨두고 이와 관련해 적용가능한 경험담이나 보도자료, 연구결과 등을 예증자료로 제시해주세요. In conclusion, global society made a huge difference between human features and animal features.
To sum up, human`s feature of rationality and social creatures will make gap bigger from animal's characteristic. For these reasons, human characteristics cannot be seen by researching on animals.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 각 문단에서 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea가 잘 제시되어 있으므로 fair level은 무난하게 받으실 수 있을 거예요. 다만 body에서 이 주제를 설명으로 풀어낼 때 연결고리가 부족하거나 예증 사례가 충분하지 못한 부분들이 있습니다. 코멘트 참고하셔서 이 부분들을 수정보완해주신다면 충분히 good level도 가능할 것 같아요^^ 오탈자나 수일치, 품사활용, 태 부분에서 문법 오류가 종종 있으니 마지막에 글을 전체적으로 검토할 수 있는 시간 여유 남길 수 있도록 시간조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습하시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!